UNITED STATES
Hevria
BY DINA FRIEDMAN • NOVEMBER 3, 2016
Every year, in the weeks leading up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, I think about my rape. It’s not the anniversary of the first time I was sexually assaulted, and it’s not because I will see my rapist at synagogue. It is because even though I – sort of – got what many rape victims want from their attacker(s): an apology; and even though I told him I forgave him (when put on the spot), I am not so sure I did.
I believe in Jewish karma: I want G-d to forgive me, so I have to forgive others. In the Jewish tradition while we need to ask G-d for forgiveness for sins against G-d, forgiveness for sins against other people can only be granted by the person injured. And we are encouraged to forgive. One tradition even holds that if forgiveness is not granted, the sin then belongs to the person not accepting the apology – the injured party!
This requirement to forgive is heavy.
Every holiday season for the past many years, this pressure to forgive filled me with anxiety – because I don’t feel like I truly forgave my rapist when he asked. Each year, I pray with as much devotion I can muster. But I emerge from Yom Kippur feeling as if I emerged from a mikvah holding a dead rat – technically pure, but holding something filthy.
Finally, I had to talk to someone. Gritting my teeth with utter humiliation about telling the gory details to another person, I called my rabbi’s wife. Her response shocked me. First, she said, “I have to double check with my husband, but I don’t think you have to forgive this.”
“What?”
Note: This is an Abuse Tracker excerpt. Click the title to view the full text of the original article. If the original article is no longer available, see our News Archive.