UNITED STATES
The Good Men Project
I’ve always been intrigued by the different choices people make, while working to restore good boundaries in their life after an experience of abuse. Whether it’s re-establishing the broken boundary with the abusive person, or finding a safe way to relate to others, the memory of betrayed trust can complicate decisions about how to maintain safety.
When I think about my own relationship to personal boundaries, I’m often reminded of the iconic phrase, “good fences make good neighbors.” I learned the line from Robert Frost’s poem Mending Wall, first published 100 years ago, in 1914. The poem describes an annual spring ritual of two neighbors, together restoring the winter damage to an ancient stone wall between their abutting properties.
The narrator complains of the tedious, hard work involved every year, and notes that neither of them even has livestock that would require a solid fence line. His neighbor just patiently repeats the phrase, ‘’Good fences make good neighbors.”
My own healing process and my work with abused kids and violent adults inclines me to see a lot of wisdom in the neighbor’s approach. Without engaging in an argument or accusing the narrator of bad intention or being a potential “trespasser,” he respectfully insists on the firm limit he wants to live by. He does it even using the same sentence, setting a goal of being good neighbors!
But what’s a good fence?
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