UNITED STATES
Huffington Post
David Adams
Psychologist, and Co-Founder and Co-Director of Emerge, an abuser education program and national training center on domestic violence
Bill Cosby is an endearing and brilliant American icon, and apparently a caring husband and father. Does that mean he is not capable of being an alleged predatory rapist? Perhaps the most widely held myth about sexual or domestic abusers is that they are easy to spot. Some are easily detectable because they exhibit leering, angry and boorish behavior toward friends, neighbors, co-workers. Those are the ones who get caught. But in my experience having worked with thousands of abusers, only about one quarter of abusive men fit this stereotype. But here lies the problem: 25 percent is a substantial subgroup, meaning there are plenty of those guys walking around. As a result, our preconceptions about what abusers look like and sound like keeps being reinforced.
The problem is that most abusers do not fit this profile. Most do not get in trouble for their angry or controlling behavior because no one besides their victims sees it. In fact, many abusers are more likable than their victims. This is because domestic violence impacts victims more than it does perpetrators. As a result, victims of abuse often seem less friendly, more distrusting of others, and more angry and malcontented than their abusers. In contrast, neighbors and co-workers of undetected abusers often describe them as friendly, helpful and charming. In my research of intimate partner homicides, I found that this disparity even extends to these cases. Often neighbors of the killer comment that “he didn’t seem like that type of guy.” They often cite his helpfulness around the neighborhood: he was the one who was mowing everyone’s yard and coaching the children’s soccer team. Meanwhile, the victim was often see as more distant and less friendly. One result of these misconceptions is that victims of abuse become more isolated over time and are less likely to turn to neighbors for help. As one victim put it, “Everyone thought the world of him. Nobody was going to believe me.” The same misconceptions extend to workplaces where abusers are often popular with their co-workers and are viewed by their bosses as valuable and productive employees. Until his arrest for domestic violence, Ray Rice was certainly seen as a productive employee.
Note: This is an Abuse Tracker excerpt. Click the title to view the full text of the original article. If the original article is no longer available, see our News Archive.