The Other Victims, by Larry Grard, Kennebec Journal, June 5, 2006

The Other Victims

By Larry Grard
Kennebec Journal
June 5, 2006

http://kennebecjournal.mainetoday.com/news/local/2803686.shtml

SKOWHEGAN -- When someone molests a child, the life of that boy or girl is changed forever.

Charli Spearrin, who was sexually abused at the age of 4, knows all about that. But she also realizes that it's not just the victim of sexual abuse who suffers.

Decades later, Spearrin and her husband, David Hurst, were pastors at the Church of God in Pittsfield in the late 1990s when she was victimized again: Hurst was arrested and charged with performing oral sex on a 13-year-old boy at their residence next to the church.

Charli Spearrin inside her business in Skowhegan recently. Spearrin's former husband has been convicted of sexually assaulting a boy.
Photo by David Leaming

Spearrin was away at the time, visiting her son and daughter-in-law, who was having a baby in Tennessee.

"I walked back into a hornet's nest," Spearrin said. "My first reaction was, I didn't believe it. I tried to defend him, though it was indefensible."

People whose partners sexually abuse others encounter a special kind of pain, unlike that endured by, say, the spouse of a bank robber or a burglar, say psychologists. The shame and humiliation is deep -- deep enough almost to make that person even feel guilty.

"There's a tremendous amount of hurt, and they're acting on that pain," said Leigh Haskell, a Skowhegan psychologist. "There's tremendous shame. They often have to choose between the perpetrator and their own children. And the men often are not replaceable, so they choose the man."

"A sex offender's close friends and family members experience a great amount of trauma after the abuse goes public," said Lynn Parrish, a spokeswoman for the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. "Just the shock of learning that a loved one could be capable of inflicting such abuse can be traumatic."

Parrish said the shame often costs spouses of sex offenders crucial relationships with their own friends and family; sometimes they are ostracized by the community along with the offender.

"They may also experience feelings of guilt that they should have known something was going on, fear that others will judge them for the actions of the sex offender and anger at their loved one for committing the crime and causing them so much personal pain," she said.

Spearrin was so ashamed she couldn't even face her friends. She felt she was no longer accepted at the church. Additionally, Spearrin had lost her income.

"All of a sudden you feel like you're totally alone," she said. "It was almost worse than losing someone to death, because the person I thought I knew never existed."

Hurst eventually was convicted of sexual assault and ordered to serve four years in prison. He has completed his sentence.

Spearrin, meanwhile, has turned her life around. She has remarried. She and her new husband, Reggie Spearrin, are constructing a church in Solon.

Spearrin would never begrudge any help for childhood victims of sexual assault -- her eyes became misty, in fact, when talking about the children.

But she does see a need to help spouses or partners -- the secondary victims of sex offenses. She said resources -- support groups tailored to provide emotional support for people in her situation -- are scarce.

"I'd like to see something done in that area," she said. "How many times does a wife go back to a husband after he's been in jail?

"Quite a few, I'd guess. Several that I've talked to have gone back. That surprises me. As a matter of fact, it just amazes me."

Julie George's experience was similar to Spearrin's.

Julie George in the kitchen of her home in Athens recently.
Photo by David Leaming

She moved to Maine from Massachusetts with her mother and children after learning her husband of seven years, Dale George, had sexually abused her 11-year-old, autistic daughter three years ago. Dale George was convicted of indecent assault and battery on a child under 14 and was given 21/2 years' probation.

"The old person died," George said. "First I did the Christian thing and said, 'I'll get you help.' Then it was little by little realizing there was nothing to save. There was nothing to save anymore. There was no trust."

After she settled in the northern Somerset County town of Athens, George said a state agency referred her to support group meetings in Waterville. But she couldn't get there very often because they were too far from her home.

Today, George still struggles, still worries about leaving her children alone.

Churches, Rape Crisis Assistance and Prevention, The Family Violence Project and the Sexual Abuse Support Group have services available for the victims of sexual abuse.

Augusta-based Sexual Assault Crisis and Support Center fully recognizes spouses or partners as victims of sexual abuse. Donna Strickler, executive director of the agency, also refers those victims to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.

"We would provide services to (Spearrin)," said Donna Strickler, executive director of the Crisis and Support Center. "She absolutely is a victim. (Spouses) are, as well as other family members. But certainly they are the most affected at times."

The Sexual Assault Crisis and Support Center serves southern Kennebec, Knox and Waldo counties.

The RAINN Speakers Bureau invites victims of sexual assault to help teach the public about sexual assault by sharing their stories.

The bureau also invites people who have successfully prosecuted their attackers.

Evert N. Fowle, district attorney for Kennebec and Somerset counties, agrees the criminal justice system might not be paying "enough attention to the other victims of this conduct. I think she has a very valid point. This isn't the type of phenomenon where everything stops with the actual victim."

Fowle said his office's victim-witness advocate focuses more on the child victim of sexual assault. "But I'm sure my advocate, if a spouse came forward, would plug her into the right service or agency," he said.

Kathryn Randall, client services director of Rape Crisis Assistance and Prevention of Waterville, said her organization is creating an educational group for secondary victims, such as spouses.

"It is actually in the works right now and we're hoping to offer it in the fall," Randall said. "There is a large need for this, just like there is a large need for incest survivors."

The educational group will discuss with victims the incident itself and how it affected them.

Victims will learn about their rights, coping strategies and available resources.

"We hear frustration from them," Randall said. "They want to be heard and believed, or someone just to hold their hands."

Aaron Shorey, pastor at the Waterville office for Free Indeed Ministry, said he has provided counseling and spiritual support to spouses of sexual predators in the past. He agrees with Spearrin that more must be done.

"We do private ministry to spouses, but it's an area that we'd like to grow in," Shorey said.

"There is a significant need to provide support and ministry to spouses."

Spearrin now knows that people do not have to remain in abusive relationships.

"Rightly so, the attention is focused on the child, but somewhere in the shuffle the spouse is getting lost. It's a real issue, I think."

Now she's ready to provide the kind of help she had a difficult time finding for herself.

"I would be available anytime someone wants to talk to me," she said.

Larry Grard -- 474-9534, Ext. 343
lgrard@centralmaine.com