Alleged Prep School Rapist Only Did It Because There Was a School Sex Contest, Probably
By Evan Hurst
Oh, to be back at boarding school! Mumsy and Popsy would seldom visit, and even then, only to meet with the headmaster about which one of our family names would christen the new Humanities building. And what fun we all had! Pulling pranks down by the old river bend, Spirit Week contests where we’d all dress up like cheerleaders, and best of all, the Senior Fucking Contest, where all the senior boys would engage in a mighty endurance competition to see who could do the most fucking to the underclassmen. Oh how St. Paul’s School in New Hampshire did prepare us for storied careers in finance, industry, government and WAIT A MINUTE, did we just type “Senior Fucking Contest”? Yes we did, because here is why. This 19-year-old kid, Owen Labrie, is on trial for raping a 15-year-old girl in 2014, while both were students at St. Paul’s. He has pleaded not guilty to the raping, but he also needs everyone to know that there is this thing called the “Senior Salute,” and it is gross: Labrie, of Tunbridge, Vermont, talked openly about the tradition when he was interviewed by Concord police. On a campus where upperclassmen studiously avoid their younger peers in most settings, Labrie told a detective some students “take great pride” in having sex with younger students before they leave school. Labrie also told the detective of a contest where boys compete to “score” with the most girls, keeping a running tally written in indelible marker on a wall behind washing machines. The school kept painting over the scoreboard so it eventually was moved online. He acknowledged to the detective he was “trying to be number one,” the detective wrote. Now, Labrie says he WAS NOT EITHER doing the Senior Fucking Contest to that girl, and even more, as an “aspiring divinity student” who was Harvard-bound but mysteriously isn’t anymore, he had been trying to teach the other boys about how doing the Senior Fucking Contest is real bad, and it’s the school’s fault for not doing enough to discourage everybody from doing the Senior Fucking Contest. Prosecutors describe it differently: Prosecutors say Labrie took his victim by surprise, before she could resist or flee, and raped her repeatedly. He is charged with three counts of aggravated felony sex assault, endangering the welfare of a child and using a computer to lure the girl to the on-campus meeting. Labrie denied having intercourse with the girl, telling police that they partially disrobed, kissed and touched. He also acknowledged putting on a condom. Labrie said the freshman girl was eager to have sex, but the aspiring divinity student said he had a “moment of self-restraint” and stopped. “He stated it was a moment of ‘divine inspiration,’” detective Julie Curtin wrote in her affidavit. Oh how nice, when people get “divinely inspired” to not rape people, especially when they are SO CLOSE to winning the contest! And what allegedly happened after his “divine inspiration,” according to Labrie? Oh well, of course, bitches be lying because all the younger students want to do sex with the seniors, DUH. While we are fairly certain that’s often true (we didn’t actually go to boarding school, but we did go to private school), we don’t remember the part about how all the freshman girls thought it would be SO COOL to get raped by an upperclassman. That just really wasn’t it at all. Of course, there is one other element to this story that The Guardian (and also Gawker) needs to hammer into our skulls, and that is that this particular school has been attended by Famouses, did THEY do the Senior Fucking Contest? Sponsored Intermission Secretary of State John Kerry graduated from St Paul’s in 1962, alongside former FBI director Robert Mueller. Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau is an alumnus as are 13 US ambassadors, three Pulitzer Prize winners, two World Series of Poker winners, actor Judd Nelson and sons of the Astor and Kennedy families, according to the school’s website. Well, here is a fact for you! St. Paul’s only started admitting girl students in 1971, so unless there used to be a Gay Senior Fucking Contest, John Kerry and Robert Mueller probably didn’t do it, and neither did the Doonesbury guy, because they are Olds. Judd Nelson might have though. Journamalism!
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