Swifty McClellan offers advice to the archbishop

By Bill Mcclellan
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
June 11, 2014

http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/columns/bill-mcclellan/swifty-mcclellan-offers-advice-to-the-archbishop/article_38b7f669-f984-5214-a467-c24989fab71b.html

Archbishop Robert J. Carlson watches a procession leading into the Cathedral Basilica in St. Louis on June 10, 2009. Photo by Stephanie S. Cordle of the Post-Dispatch

Good morning, Your Eminence. How you doing? Don’t answer. I know how you’re doing. You’re still reeling from the release of that transcript of a deposition from Minnesota in which you claimed you couldn’t remember whether you used to know it was a crime for an adult to have sex with a child.

That didn’t play too well, did it? Especially because at the very time you supposedly weren’t sure about the legality of molesting kids, you were writing memos to your boss about the statute of limitations for such a crime. If you knew about a statute of limitations, you had to know it was a crime. Or am I missing something?

Again, don’t answer. I am not here to harangue you. I’m on your side. As far as I’m concerned, “Thou shalt not lie” is strictly Old Testament stuff.

You need some public relations help, Your Em. Nothing against the people you have on staff, but I read the statement from Gabe Jones, spokesman for the archdiocese: “While not being able to recall his knowledge of the law exactly as it was many decades ago, the archbishop did make clear that he knows child sex abuse is a crime today.”

You think the flock is going to rally around something like that?

You need professional help. You could go with FleishmanHillard, I suppose, but that outfit represented the History Museum and St. Louis University when their respective Eminences were under fire not so long ago. How did that work out? You could try Richard Callow, but he’s busy representing a radioactive landfill. We call the landfill Hades. I don’t think you want to be paired with that.

Then there’s me. My plate is not exactly full these days. Plus, when it comes to the media, I’m coming to you from the belly of the beast.

So let me give you an outline of my plan. First, we’ll go on the offensive. No more of this he-didn’t-know-but-now-he-does stuff. We’ll go after our enemies. You’re fortunate here. You’ve got two groups people like even less than archbishops — lawyers and reporters.

Let’s start with lawyers. They made you say this stuff. They told you to parse your words. You wanted to be forthright and honest, but the lawyers wouldn’t let you.

They’re not going to complain, Your Em. The church has forked out a lot of dough to lawyers during these, uh, troubled times, and the least they can do is take a few lumps for you.

We’re going to blame them for your memory loss, too. How many times in your deposition did you claim not to remember something — 193? You suggested your memory loss might be from sedation related to surgery. Problem right there, Your Em. Lots of the flock have been sedated, and their minds are still sharp. Blame lawyers for the memory loss. They told you to be forgetful.

We’ll go after the press hard. They’re anti-church. That’s exactly what they are. Lots of organizations have problems, but the press is always after the church. Selective outrage. What’s up with that?

We have to put the press on the defensive before your protege, the Rev. Xiu Hui “Joseph” Jiang goes to trial. Criminal charges were brought against him on Good Friday. What awful timing! He’s accused of sexually abusing a young boy. The abuse allegedly occurred at, among other places, the St. Louis Cathedral Basilica school.

When Jiang goes to trial, somebody is going to dredge up his previous problem from Lincoln County. That’s the one in which he’s accused of giving the alleged victim’s family a check for $20,000 — and you allegedly called them to get the check back.

I get a headache just thinking about this stuff, Your Em.

In addition to attacking the press and the lawyers, we’re going to put you on a charm offensive. We’ll book you on all the morning shows — radio and television, both. The hosts are relentlessly cheerful. You’ll tell them you’d love to discuss the deposition, but the darned lawyers won’t let you. So you’ll talk about soccer and bingo. Stuff like that.

The very first thing we’ll do, though, is an interview with me. You’ll take the high road. You are disappointed in the way the media have handled this nonstory, but you forgive us our trespasses. I’ll be a little snarky — that’s what people would expect from an Orangeman from Belfast — but your warmth will come shining through. I’ll even admit it at the end of the column. “It’s impossible not to believe this guy,” I’ll say.

Give me a call, Your Em.