Behind Closed Doors
By Natalie Holmes
I grew up in Sydney – one of six children. We were a good Catholic family going to church all the time. My parents were involved in the church and, from the outside, we looked like a good, happy, healthy family but that was far from the dysfunction and domestic violence. There were various forms of abuse on each of us – physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I saw it happen to my brothers and sisters as well as experiencing it myself. My father was undiagnosed bipolar and he could change very quickly from a happy, interactive dad who played with us to someone quite different. He was a good dad in lots of ways but he would have very dark moods and I learned to read body language quite early on. When I was in Year 4 at Catholic primary school, I went to confession and the regular parish priest was away so we had a fill-in priest. When you finished confession, you went back to class and I used to have three confessions I regularly made. That day, he molested me. I didn’t tell anyone, but I think that’s because I wasn’t telling anyone what was happening at home. I learned to not bring it up anywhere. I never told anyone about the incident with the priest until years later. At that age, I was confused about it, and as I got older, about seven or eight, I started to understand. Before that, I thought I was bad; he always told me “you can’t tell your mother because if she finds out, she will be really angry”. I used to climb the mulberry tree – that was my escape. I was very fearful and that fear still comes up. I was the fourth child in my family and I always tried to keep everyone calm. My mother had a stillborn baby the year before I was born – she probably had depression throughout the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. In the Catholic household, the dad worked and mum stayed at home. We were very traditional like that. Reaching out The abuse stopped when I was eight or nine. Then for many years, I pushed it down. I was living a fake life. I was married with children but all my feelings were buried. I started drinking heavily, which caused problems in my marriage. I had PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and agoraphobia. My relationships suffered and there’s a whole period that I can’t remember looking after the kids. I was parenting the way I was parented. The children were five, two and one and I wasn’t coping at all. I was yelling at them to leave me alone. Then I decided I didn’t want to be that parent. I was also treating my husband quite badly because I didn’t think he could love me. It was pretty horrendous. We separated for a while and it took me about five years to start to function normally. I have now done a counselling program to heal my own family’s issues. At the time, I was teaching in Wellington and involved in the church. I went through the church’s Toward Healing program and it was more about shut-up money than anything else, it didn’t actually help me heal. It wasn’t a helpful thing. Then I worked at the Wellington prison for a while as the chaplain. I was working there when the church brought in a new liturgy. I could cope with the change but the words brought up all my shame. It made me feel more shame. I don’t actually like the liturgy – I put up with it. It’s not the teachings of Jesus. The guilt and shame I’d suppressed came up and I couldn’t go to church. I didn’t understand what I was doing and I didn’t know what was expected. I had some dark memories and occasional flashbacks but it’s like another life. That was a different world. There is an extra layer of healing. I’m still working through that. There is a spiritual level of emotion that I own. The Church When I was a child, church was a safe place where I felt supported and loved. But when the priest abused me, that set up confusion in my mind. I thought there can’t be a God because he wouldn’t let that happen to me. But later, my spirituality supported my healing. I would not be here without it. When I was in a state of hurting, I lost my faith. I had nothing to hold onto. To me, spirituality and the Church are quite separate. One is connecting with a higher power whereas church is a spiritual community. I get more out of the community, and my feelings are good. I have had the support of them. The people in our church have been wonderful and supportive, but the Church hierarchy has covered it up and put it back to the victims. It’s complicated to have so many people who have been summarily abused continually over years and how hard it’s been for them. More and more people are getting the courage to speak out by talking to the Royal Commission. People who probably would have reported abuse haven’t because of the possibility that society can put these men in big establishments, and they’re saying those children are making up stories. They are protecting their name, and it’s about money and power. They’re protecting their own. They’re not interested in the harm to the victims. But it’s too big to ignore now. I hope the Church can acknowledge the children and put in place strategies so it doesn’t happen in the future. It’s a higher power. I would like the Church to acknowledge this seriously, not the half-hearted response we’ve had so far but to offer a genuine apology and genuine support. They should be setting up healing centres and providing professional support for the future. The beast within I’ve often wondered, why does it happen? There’s some discussion because of the celibacy and the issues around that. Celibacy wasn’t always in the Christian values and was introduced in the Middle Ages that a priest can’t have a family, can’t be married and has to be celibate. In the Church’s mind, it was confirmation of their dedication and relationship with God but it’s not natural. The scary thing for me was working at the jail as their representative to the police. Back in 2006, when I decided to pursue this, I thought he was probably dead or really old so it was probably not worth pursuing. But if he was in his 30s at the time, then it could still be an issue, he could still be practicing, and I hear about incidences and I think that could be him. He could actually still be abusing kids. Speaking up I did receive an apology from John Usher, the Chancellor of the Sydney Archdiocese. I also had a private session at the Royal Commission. It was a really good experience for me. I talked to Bob Atkinson who is a former police officer. He was so supportive and made it so easy for me to tell my story and what I felt was needed in terms of the Church’s inadequate support and what I needed in terms of additional support. I believed I was evil and that there was something inherently wrong inside. It will be a lifetime of healing – it has been so undiagnosed and under the radar for so long. It’s about reducing the shame. Every time it’s talked about, it’s growing public knowledge and drowning the feeling for me. We have to talk about it as a community to say what that was like so they don’t have to carry on the shame anymore. Facing the future Now I have a happy, healthy life most of the time. I still have bad days. But I have the skills now and I have learned how to manage. I needed that to recover. I think I was shocked and it took a while to get over that. There were a lot of things I couldn’t face. If you don’t have a secure relationship then that must be harder. My husband has been very secure; he’s been fantastic and an awesome support. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for him. Having that support is so important, as well as counselling and friends. It’s really important that you have a person who can help you through because you need a psychologist and counselling. I’m passionate now about supporting other people. I’ve learned enough to put my own grief aside. With other people, I know where they’re at. It’s so helpful to other survivors being a counsellor and survivor. I can empathise. People have experienced different levels of abuse but you know where they’re at. It’s a complex issue and there are lots of things that have an effect and people behave and react differently. I had this self-concept of being bad and unlovable because I was so young and had parental misattunement. The Royal Commission investigation is going to take a few years and quite possibly longer. There are at least 500 private sessions with institutional groups and there was a public hearing in December. From my experience, what’s coming out of this is increasing awareness for people to come forward and tell their story. They don’t have to feel shame and loss and be struggling in their lives. The Royal Commission has had a huge impact on being okay, for this to be talked about and some of the things that are coming out of it, the themes and behaviours, the way people have coped. It’s getting it out there.
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