Steve Nelson: Power over Children Is Fraught with Risk

By Steve Nelson
Valley News
August 4, 2013

http://www.vnews.com/home/7736976-95/steve-nelson-power-over-children-is-fraught-with-risk

Memory of a difficult event in my life was sparked by a recent report of a sexual scandal at Yeshiva University High School for Boys in Manhattan. A lawsuit filed by 19 former students claims that two rabbis abused them in the 1970s and ’80s. New York Times columnist Frank Bruni wrote recently about how the incident revealed the same pattern in Orthodox Judaism as in the Catholic Church. He observed that spiritual leaders with special access to children had been identified in civil and criminal actions as the perpetrators and were protected by the powerful “caretakers” of their faith.

The story was, sadly, familiar. In early 2001, a colleague at my school leaned into my office and warned that a very insistent lawyer wanted to speak with me and would not take “no” for an answer. “Mr. Nelson needs to hear what I have to tell him.” I took the call. He informed me that he had just filed a civil action against my school and one of its teachers, seeking $21 million in damages. He got my attention.

The plaintiff, a former student, claimed that the teacher had a sexual relationship with him beginning in the 10th grade and continuing through his college years. The suit was eventually withdrawn. Fortunately for me, the events took place before my tenure began. The teacher denied the allegations and, while never convicted or found liable in civil court — the plaintiff student succumbed to litigation fatigue — was placed on leave the day of the call and, after I investigated, never invited to return.

In the hundreds of comments following Bruni’s column, the clearest thread was an indictment of religion. I joined the commentary by observing that religious abusers use the special “calling” of their faith as a mechanism to have power over the members of their congregation. It seems indisputable that the potential for sexual predation is greater when the abuser invokes the righteous authority of whatever God the faith worships. This doesn’t, of course, mean that most religious leaders are inclined to abuse children. But it should raise a general concern about any environment where adults intentionally cultivate emotional and psychological power over children or young adults.

The scandal of sexual abuse is nearly as bad in schools as in religious communities. The Horace Mann School in New York is embroiled in deep controversy over the alleged abuse of hundreds of students, also in the 1970s and ’80s. Poly Prep in Brooklyn has open wounds from years of sexual abuse committed by a beloved football coach. In those cases, and in countless others like them, the abusers and alleged abusers sought emotional power over students, exploited that power for sexual access, and their institutions turned a blind eye. So the variable is not solely religious faith. The toxic ingredient is the “power over” that accompanies certain adult professions.

And the case that I confronted presented similar circumstances. As I said, the defendant teacher denied the allegations and nothing was ever proved, but his behavior fit a pattern that should have raised questions. He had cultivated a very particular kind of celebrity: intellectual pretense, sharp judgment, special praise for the “enlightened student” and an aura of spiritual wisdom that exuded condescension. Students deemed “worthy” of his attention often felt quite special. It was a crafty technique, drawing the student into a grateful and compliant relationship.

Children are attracted to so-called charismatic adults. It is natural, I suppose, but quite dangerous. Every abuser — or alleged abuser — I’ve met personally or read about in depth has used calculated methods to establish a following of vulnerable kids. In individual cases it is called “grooming,” but establishing emotional and psychological power and control over a group of kids nearly always precedes the grooming. Parents are often drawn to the charismatic heat of the flame, too.

For generations we placed unquestioned faith in the adults who worked in our religious communities and schools. That, sadly, was a mistake. We too easily trusted authority and learned the hard way that not all authorities can be trusted.

There is no good reason for religious leaders, teachers (or, for that matter, parents) to have “power over” children. Children should be raised to respectfully question authority, not to adoringly, blindly or fearfully submit to it.

An adult who has too strong a need to be respected, admired or feared is an adult to keep a close eye on. That’s my job and yours.

Steve Nelson lives in Sharon and New York City, where he is the head of the Calhoun School, a private school.