Abuse Leaves Indelible Scar on Father
By Jill Margo
In moments of intimacy with his wife, Anthony Foster often feels he can’t continue. While nothing is wrong with him physically, his mind is taken over by thoughts that fracture the possibility of pleasure. The thoughts are of his two daughters and the violation they suffered from the age of five when the local priest began to rape them with terrifying regularity. This violation and their terror – which Foster only learned about many years later – haunts him. The story of the abuse of the Foster girls at the Sacred Heart Primary School in Oakleigh, Melbourne, is widely known. Their mother, Chrissie, wrote the book Hell on the way to Heaven about the ordeal and both parents have often been in the media. They appeared on national television last week while giving testimony at the abuse inquiry held by the Victorian Parliament. Since he first learned about the abuse some 16 years ago, Anthony has steadfastly focused on getting justice for the girls. the power of male sexuality Now, for the first time, he is willing to speak about the impact on him as a man, a husband and father. “It’s changed the way I feel about the power of male sexuality,” he says. There have been times when he has been unable to initiate intimacy because the thought of his daughters being forcibly subjected to the same act have been so strong. “How could I possibly take enjoyment from this knowing that someone did this to my daughters in a horrific way? “Normally, it would be the furthest thing from a father’s mind to think of his daughters at such times. But when it flashes into my mind, everything stops.” When Anthony and Chrissie first suspected that their eldest daughter, Emma, had been abused, all the men in the family and the extended family were briefly scrutinised and rejected as potential suspects. When Emma eventually confirmed the abuse and pointed to notorious pedophile priest Kevin O’Donnell, the reality of her childhood began to unfold. Now, at least, there was an explanation for her torment and furious compulsion for self- destruction. flow on effects Her parents, who had been working so desperately to save her and keep the rest of the family functional, hardly noticed the effects on themselves. Anthony now knows it caused problems with intimate relations for Chrissie. “I wasn’t particularly aware of it then because there was so much going on, it got lost in the background.” He was having intermittent issues too and when Emma took her own life in 2008, these became severe. “Her death triggered the extremity of it for me. It was about the male having done the act, being the perpetrator.” Anthony couldn’t separate wanting to make love from the knowledge of the brutal and tragic effects this natural activity was capable of causing. He expects other fathers in a similar position have similar issues. “It is common for victims of abuse to have difficulties with sexual relationships and to some extent we are victims of the crime too because it was perpetrated on our children. “It introduced a falseness into our family. The carefree, joyous times we remember were not what they seemed to be. “Although I can hang on to the early years – before O’Donnell – and know they were truly wonderful years, something precious has been taken from them too. “For men, the birth of their first child is universally an unbelievable feeling. I try to recall the feeling I had after Emma’s birth but I’ve lost it. I have an image in my mind but it is as if I won’t let myself access it and celebrate her arrival. That extraordinary joy has been replaced by the memory of her death. It’s a profound loss.” crime of silence In contrast to the classic silence that surrounds child abuse, the Fosters have always been open about what happened to their daughters. “I have a strong conviction this is a crime of silence,” Anthony says. “If the perpetrator thought the victim was going to tell and be believed, it would not happen. “The victim can’t talk because of the grooming process and unlike almost any other crime in our society, this one is held in silence. “If we had trained our daughters so they could have told us what was happening and be believed, it would have been different.” The abuse of their second daughter, Katie, was discovered when Chrissie found a half written suicide note and a description of what occurred. To obtain respite from her memories, Katie began binge drinking in her early teens. In 1999, at the age of 15, she was hit by a car while crossing the road drunk. Recovery was slow and incomplete. Although intelligent and witty, she can’t hold short-term memory and needs constant care. Neither her speech nor her ability to walk has returned to normal. Their third daughter, Aimee, escaped abuse but from her moving testimony to the Victorian inquiry, it is clear she battles with the legacy of what happened to her sisters. After building a successful family business, the Fosters are now retired and live comfortably from their investments in the old family home in Oakleigh, with Katie. Aimee, who recently married and lives close by, is a constant source of joy to them. Despite their sorrow, they nurture their joy and spend much time at their peaceful family retreat in Gippsland. To contain his pain, Anthony keeps very busy. He has many interests and physical tiredness from manual work at home and at the retreat, which allows him to sleep some nights when he might otherwise not be able to. “One of my roles is that I am ‘the handyman’, I fix everything. Throw anything at me and I can fix it. I am good at working a problem, good at resolving issues and good at talking to people. It distresses me greatly that this is something I can’t fix. There is no solution.” honoured by the church While he can see enormous value in the forthcoming royal commission, personally there is a sense of futility “because it can’t bring Emma back and it can’t restore Katie to how she should be”. Also lost is the opportunity to confront O’Donnell, who died in a prison hospital before being released. Despite convictions for abusing children between 1946 and 1977, he is buried in the crypt for Catholic priests in Melbourne Cemetery, demonstrating he is still honoured by the church. While Anthony controls his outrage, there are times when he feels utterly depressed. “I just snap in and out of it, as if someone has thrown a switch.” He struggles with the absence of Emma and says the loss gets worse, not better. “Every day further away from her death is one extra day we are missing out on.” But in parallel with this, he is slowly coming to terms with his personal issues and is optimistic they will be resolved.
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