Wrestling With Faith: Readers Share Their Catholic Experiences (part 1)

By Tom Moran
The Star-Ledger
October 7, 2012

http://blog.nj.com/njv_tom_moran/2012/10/wrestling_with_faith_readers_s.html

Last Sunday, Star-Ledger editorial page editor Tom Moran wrote about his struggles with Catholicism, describing himself as a “refugee from the Catholic Church” as he began to disagree with Catholic leadership over issues such as gay marriage, reproductive rights and divorce.

That column prompted a surprisingly introspective outpouring from Star-Ledger readers, a great number of them with stories of similar personal struggles.

Many, including Moran, have broken ties with the church — a difficult decision, particularly for those who spent a lifetime in Catholic schools and the church. Others, despite their conflicts, choose to stay.

For those who remain, they say they pull strength from the fellowship of the church, despite disappointment with church leadership and its political direction. Some say they remain faithful to the infallibility of the church and its hierarchy, and choose not to question it.

For the many who answered The Star-Ledger’s call for personal essays, each revealed intensely personal trials and deliberations over faith, politics, family and devotion.

Here is a selection of some of the stories submitted to us.

A painful time,

over and over

I am a disillusioned Catholic. My mother died when I was 4 and my father was unable to care for us; as a result, we came under state care. My grandmother was a devout Irish Catholic and requested my siblings and me be sent to a Catholic convent rather than put into the New York child care system.

I spent close to five years at a Catholic convent. The physical and emotional abuse by nuns and priests left us physically and emotionally scarred. One would think this was enough to make a person turn away from the church.

However, my grandmother’s devotion to the Catholic church was absolute and I could not bring myself to turn away from my Catholicism. I felt this would be a repudiation of my grandmother, as well.

I went on to marry in the church and have two children, whom I even sent to Catholic school. My brother moved as far away as possible and my sister eventually committed suicide. When the priest abuse scandal started to become public, I was not surprised and my ambivalence with the church grew.

My final break came when I was diagnosed with colon cancer. One son was in public school, the other in Catholic school. During treatment and surgeries, I received many “get wells” and real assistance from the public schools. From the Catholic school, I received a bill for $500 assessment for not contributing “time” to the school.

I wish I had the ability to ignore the “big” picture and be as devoted as the eloquent gentlemen you quoted in your column, giving “thanks in our human poverty.” I have come to terms with my painful experiences with the Catholic church and choose to remember this is a man-made institution, and my belief in God can continue without the necessity of the “church” and its hypocrisy.

Elizabeth Dikovics, Roseland

Staying for

the grace

A few weeks ago, we heard the usual right-wing, conservative shibboleths from the pulpit regarding attacks on religious liberty, at the end of which a number of people applauded and stomped in agreement. Now, the archbishop of Newark has taken up the cudgel against gay marriage — saying Catholics who disagree with him should stop taking the Eucharist (a suggestion akin to Mitt Romney’s “self-deportation”).

I suppose those congregants who applauded and stomped the pundits would have applauded and stomped for Archbishop John Myers’ letter as well. That congregants in a Catholic church were vociferous would not be usual; what was unusual was the small number of those who made their agreement vocal. The vast majority sat stony-faced and silent — and I doubt if this was a case of “qui tacet, consentit.”

There is, of course, a Catholic vote, a small minority of church-going Catholics who will listen to and agree with Myers, et al., but their numbers are decreasing and aging. The vast majority make up their own minds undisturbed by the fulminations from the pulpit or the bishop’s office.

Many will leave the church in disgust. But count me among those who, as St. Thomas Aquinas said, stay for the grace that flows through it despite the acts of some of its ministers.

Tony Visocchi, Summit

Accept rules,

work for change

It seems that modern Catholics who address the social issues of the day are totally ignoring the infallibility of the church in the matter of faith and morals. If you want to be a “Cafeteria Catholic” and accept only certain commandments, then don’t call yourself a Catholic. If you can’t accept the church’s pronouncements on current issues, then don’t call yourself a Catholic. If you can’t accept Biblical foundation for the treatment of current social issues, don’t call yourself a Catholic or a Jew.

Yes, the Holy See should be restructured to give more gender-free study of Scriptural truths. Yes, there certainly should be more women in the administration of church affairs. Whether this will lead to female priests will take time and prayer to decide. Yes, the handling of the scores of sexual abuse cases has been a disgrace. Let’s pray and demand that they be addressed. Married priests? A magic bullet that you may wish you never got.

As you can see, the modern world has created multiple issues that must be addressed. You address them through prayer, through faith and through communication. But a practicing Catholic does not address them by leaving the church. Otherwise, you might as well create a new religion You could call it Moranology.

Donald Fitzpatrick, Succasunna

Church’s social

policy excels

All is not right in the Catholic church. To begin with, insisting on a celibate male priesthood seems to exclude many people who could present a strong Christian message and relate well with parishioners; it also seems linked with a scandal that has dragged the church down. And too many of that shrinking number who attend Mass do so listlessly.

But setting aside questions of church structure and administration, church social policy is excellent. And radical. In a world where pleasure has become the goal of human existence, the church stands fast and explains well why. Church economic policy is distinctly populist. The mass-scale extermination of young lives to enable some to advance careers and others to gratify sexual desires without consequence cannot be right. Gay couples who buy eggs or sperm to produce offspring are engaging in technological adultery.

Catholic insistence on natural birth control does not mean that one must have nine kids. Through natural family planning (not the simple “rhythm method”) and breast-feeding (which suppresses ovulation), families can be kept to a manageable size. In vitro fertilization turns life into a commodity and is enabling a burgeoning eugenics movement.

Church teachings do not always track mainstream liberal notions. But that’s a good thing. By standing fast against relativism and individualism, an institution characterized as reactionary has become radical.

This is all based on a theology that says God loves us, but we are not his peers.

Mark Oshinskie, Highland Park

Come home,

refugees

I am a Catholic and was raised in a Catholic home, attended Catholic schools and graduated from a Catholic college. Today, my children attend Catholic elementary school.

After reading Tom Moran’s column, I found myself feeling very sorry for him. The seeds of his faith were planted and cared for by his parents. It is now up to him to seek the truth.

During our long history, the Catholic church has had many people in leadership to be proud of. We have also had more than our share of people who would make us ashamed. No one person should ever be responsible for anyone giving up his faith. No one has that much power. I think many Catholics are ashamed at the way the child abuse was addressed. It is a disturbing topic and not one most of us want to discuss. It is easier to just walk away.

As the many child-abuse scandals were unfolding, I found myself defending my reasons for continuing to attend Mass and stand by the church. Maybe, what many Catholics have forgotten is that we, the whole people of God, make up the church and bear the responsibilities for the mission and service that flows from them.

These scandals were like having a family member commit some heinous crime. Does that mean we abandon the family because some members were sick and depraved? Why do all the members have to be abandoned because of the few?

I can certainly acknowledge the anger and confusion that we must all feel having heard one scandal after another involving a priest. Yet, we are the church. Our responsibility as Catholics, is to love one another as Jesus loves us. We are a family, committed to loving one another and helping one another. When one of our own goes astray, we are called to help pick up the pieces and comfort however we can. Abandoning each other never seemed to me to be the right answer.

To those Catholics who have wandered away and are traveling as refugees with Moran, maybe it’s time to stop wandering and come home.

Mary Greene, West Orange

Three strikes,

she’s out

My father, who recently passed away, studied to become a priest but never finished. We were always told that the reason was he “loved the ladies too much.” But as we discussed it at dinner one Christmas Eve, when he was in his late 70s, he began to cry, something we had never seen.

Through his years studying, he told us, he was raped by more than four priests. You can’t imagine the silence and tears throughout the rest of the meal.

Later, I taught CCD for my youngest daughter. I was teaching and they had an elderly couple speak to the children, showing pictures of their wedding, etc.

Suddenly, the wife told the children that God recognizes only first marriages, and stepmothers and stepfathers are the devil’s children. A lot of these children were from divorced parents and were living with stepparents. I immediately complained to the people in charge. They did not look shocked or upset, but they told me they would look into it. It was dropped and, whenever I asked, they claimed the couple said no such thing. I quit teaching that day.

Finally, years ago, we attended church regularly, donating about $15 a week. My mother-in-law, from my first marriage, fell ill, so we took her in. Money was tight, so from $15 weekly, we had to cut back to about $6 a week. After a few months, the priest noticed the difference. I explained that we now faced medical and other expenses, thinking that he would tell me what a great Christian I am. Instead, he said, “Well, Mrs. Michael, if everyone thought like you, we would have to close our doors.”

I left that church that day.

That was the third run-in with a Catholic church. So now I just do my own thing.

Sonia Toltl, Sparta

Mission continues

in parishes

Tom Moran’s recent column on the state of the Catholic Church and its ability to alienate even lifelong practitioners rang true and clear. The leadership of the Catholic Church stumbles through abhorrent scandals and angry political campaigns, while the mission of the church, to lead people toward a loving God, seems forgotten. For some, irrelevant.

Nonetheless, at the local level, parishes still nurture that mission and provide Catholics and others with sacred spaces. Parishes support the vital mission of caring for the poor, the sick and the dying, as Jesus himself did. The sacraments Moran enjoyed as a child have not changed — each provides a special grace. Confession still offers the feeling of being “ecstatically cleansed.”

As Moran has learned, giving up on the church leaves one stranded — a “spiritual refugee.” The Catholic Church is my church and his church, too. It should not be abandoned to misguided extremists or powerful men protecting their own. The mission of the church continues.

Through peaceful prayer and respectful, honest, open and constant dialogue, the church can improve from the goodness within. And there still is much goodness. As Catholics, we must recognize the painful thorns of the church while working toward the nourishing fruit of God.

Julie Whelan, Chatham

We are the church,

where else to go?

“To whom would I go?” That was Peter’s answer when Jesus asked Peter if he would leave him, too. Since I find Jesus and the sacred in the Catholic Church, where else would I go? When royal-robed princes of the church seem to say, “It’s our way or the highway,” I want to remind them that the church teaches the primacy of conscience. That holds even when the “well-formed” conscience disagrees with the bishops.

Dorothy Day, Teilhard de Chardin, Joan of Arc, Thomas Merton and so many others showed us how to stay the course when bishops shake their miters. Following their example, we recall Vatican II and the reminder that “We are the church!”

This is a church that has been deeply wounded by its leaders. We, the members, are flawed … mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, nuns, priests, married, celibate, gays and straights. But with all our brokenness, we celebrate with joy and know that God loves each of us. We are the church and we’re staying!

Hope Crawley, Montclair

Still influenced

by nuns’ lessons

The Franciscan nuns at Holy Angels school in the 1950s continue to positively influence my life many decades later. They taught me that the most important thing in life is to be good to your fellow human beings.

Yes, they taught the catechism, too, and that if you missed Mass on a Sunday and died without going to confession, well, that was an eternal problem ... but no one really believed that. We were looking forward to recess and afternoon stickball.

My children were similarly blessed to know the good sisters of St. Joe’s in Lincoln Park (now closed). They were nurtured by these wonderful women, who every day showed them by example how to live a good life.

The church was once revered, not for its dogma but for what it represented in society. A place to gather and worship in harmony with friends and neighbors. That all ended when it became obvious to any thinking person that popes, cardinals and bishops were complicit in hiding pedophiles from justice, and allowing them to prey again in new parishes. Sins such as that simply cannot be forgiven, at least not on Earth.

Add to that their disgraceful belittling of American nuns who had the temerity to challenge their men-only credo, and it becomes clear they can no longer hold influence over Americans willing to think for themselves.

Paul Mahler, Pompton Plains

Disillusioned, but

staying for the good

I am 78 years old, a graduate of Seton Hall and a lifelong Catholic. I am in total agreement with Tom Moran’s column, criticizing the pastoral letter issued by Archbishop John Myers.

Myers is obviously living in another time, perhaps the 18th century or earlier. He has lost touch with his constituency and fails to see the diversity of opinion within it. Catholics in the archdiocese, many of whom are no longer attending Sunday Mass, are hardly of the same mentality of the flock from an earlier time. His demand that those in disagreement with him refrain from receiving the Eucharist is reflective of his fecklessness.

His decision to issue the document at a critical period in the presidential campaign reflects a bias that is repugnant to most in an informed and opinionated electorate, and it was clearly a political tactic.

I am of the majority who still attend Sunday Mass but acknowledge serious disillusion with the hierarchy. I do not hope for a better day, but rather choose to support the good works done by the nuns and priests in the trenches who are truly reflective of the Lord’s teaching.

Eugene R. Corcoran, Scotch Plains

Why I remain

a Catholic

Why do I remain a Catholic? The church’s stance on and record of social justice is unparalleled. We have made terrible mistakes, but many of us stick with it because we do see the forest for the trees. When all is said and done, it boils down to this:

And one of them, a doctor of the Law, putting him to the test, asked him, “Master, which is the great commandment in the Law?” Jesus said to him, “?‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind.’ This is the greatest and the first commandment. And the second is like it, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:35-40).

I couldn’t have said it better myself.