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	Guest Column: Penn State/the Catholic Church ... Just the Tip of the Iceberg By Naples Daily News Linda Meyerholz November 20, 2011 http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2011/nov/20/guest-column-penn-statethe-catholic-church-just/ As appalling and eye-opening as the events surrounding Penn State University are, they do not surprise those of us who work daily with adults who were sexually abused as children. What is disturbing to us is the fact that it takes mis-steps by people like Coach Joe Paterno to get people to pay attention to something that is occurring daily to millions of children. To be fair, this is how things evolve in our society. Massive telecommunication systems now allow the majority of us to access the dirty secrets of the rich, the famous and the infamous. The same systems will eventually help us know just how pervasive the sexual abuse of children really is. Years ago, Oprah Winfrey revealed the sexual abuse of her childhood. She cited research that showed that 33 percent of American children are sexually abused. At that time she said she believed that figure was too conservative. I believe she's right. I'm an incest survivor who has spent the past 15 years working to help people who were sexually abused in childhood, heal. First of all, what is sexual abuse? When two little five-year-olds play doctor, "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours," they are not participating in sexual abuse. They're following normal childhood curiosity. It can be sexual abuse if one of the children doesn't want to play the game and the other forces that child to show their genitals. But is the other five-year-old guilty of sexual abuse? Maybe. If that child has been sexually abused and has become sexually aggressive, then it can be sexual abuse. The child who didn't want to play the game suffers and may be traumatized by being forced to do something sexual long before he or she is ready to investigate that part of their being. Most often, criminal sexual abuse happens when a child is introduced to sexual experiences by an inappropriate person, at an inappropriate age, in an inappropriate time, and in an inappropriate way and the child has no choice about participating in the experience. The abuser can be a parent, sibling, babysitter, janitor, teacher, coach, etc. The child believes the person holds some authority over him or her and there's no way to say no. The child feels shame and usually tells no one. But here's what happens in the child: All children think literally. If something happens to them that makes them feel badly, they will wonder what's wrong with them that caused "that person" to do that to them. They know something terrible has happened. And what has happened is this: The most sacred part of their beings, that part that co-creates life with that energy that most of us call God, has been severely wounded. Many children who were sexually abused as children develop views of sex that lead them into promiscuity or addictions. Often they can't get enough sex or they want nothing to do with it. But the worst thing that happens to sexually abused children is the loss of trust in people who are supposed to love and care for them. They can trust no one and they come to expect betrayal by people who say they love and care for them. Adults who were sexually abused as children often equate abuse with love. They will either be victims in their adult relationships or they will become abusers themselves. Their views of others are totally formed by the overpowering feelings they had when their innocense was ripped from them. The feeling that there is something wrong with them will haunt them forever if they don't get help to get free of that erroneous belief. The gender of the sexually abused child makes no difference when we look at the damage done to their adult lives. There is overt sexual abuse and covert sexual abuse. Overt sexual abuse can be anything from improper touching to outright rape. Covert sexual abuse can include crude comments about a child's developing body, leering at the youngster's body which cause the child discomfort. And then there's the society in general. We sell blatantly sexual clothing to younger and younger children with each passing year. Sex is trivialized. Couples meet and they're in bed with each other in literally minutes in the media. And then reality follows. I've worked with men and women who were encouraged to read Playboy, Playgirl and Hustler while they were in elementary school. They were totally incapable of healthfully handling such materials but they were given it by their parents or other important people in their lives. If it wasn't given to them, it was carelessly left around for them to look at. Other children were introduced to soft and hard porn materials by neighbor kids or classmates who had access to pornographic materials. It's all sexual abuse. It distorts a child's first impressions of themselves as sexual beings. Sexual abuse ends childhood and destroys adult lives. Meyerholz, a therapist specializing in codependency, in private practice since 1998, is mother of four children and three stepchildren, grandmother of 12 and great-grandmother to three.
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