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	Experts Offer Tips to Prevent Sex Abuse of Your Child By Amanda Marrazzo Chicago Tribune November 16, 2011 www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/ct-x-sex-abuse-talks-20111116,0,4682977.story Having difficult conversations and asking tough, sometimes awkward questions — of your children and those whose care you put them in — is the key to helping protect kids from becoming victims of sexual abuse, experts say. "You have to be strong enough to overcome your fears about teaching your children about sex and their sexuality, so you can arm them with knowledge to arm themselves," said Kimberly Steward, a Park Forest resident and facilitator for Darkness to Light, a national group aimed at ending child sexual abuse. Amid the unfolding Penn State University sex abuse scandal — a respected former coach has been charged with abusing numerous children, and several school officials failed to report allegations to police — victims' advocates and survivors say an ongoing conversation with children is one of the most important ways to protect them. "Most parents have one sex talk … They need more," said Steward, 64, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and author of two books on the topic. "This is not a child's responsibility; it is the parents'." Steward grew up with 17 siblings on a farm in Matteson, where she said the abuse by male family members began when she was "too young to put an age to it." Today, she trains others on how to prevent, recognize and "react responsibly" to child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse affects children of all socioeconomic groups, Steward said. Today there are more than 39 million survivors in the U.S., according to Darkness to Light. Among other steps parents can take, Steward and other experts said they must minimize opportunities for a predator to victimize their child and limit the amount of one-on-one time between the child and an adult, especially when parents leave children in the care of other adults during activities like sports practices, music lessons, camps, church groups and sleepovers at friends' houses. Parents always have the responsibility and the right to inspect such environments and question the adults present. Ask if the organization has a personal safety plan and ask for references on all adults who will be with your child and ensure background checks have been completed. Ask pointed, specific questions. As for broaching the topic with children, many experts say that children should learn anatomically correct names for private body parts from an early age. Let children know that no adult should ask them to keep a secret from their parents or anyone else, experts add. Char Rivette, executive director of Chicago's Children's Advocacy Center, said parents can start the conversation with small children by telling them, early and often, that any body parts covered up by underpants or swimwear shouldn't be touched. "You need to start talking to kids as early as possible just about personal safety and boundaries," Rivette said. "It is most important to stress to parents to have, from a very early age, very open communication with your children. Allow them to tell you anything." Rivette said that as children get older and are more often away from their parents, simply asking them how their day was — and really watching and listening to their reactions — can be effective. She also suggested questions such as, "Who were you with today?" "What are their names?" and "What did you do together?" Note any changes in attitude toward a specific person or activity, such as a child no longer wanting to participate in an activity with an adult leader whom the child once liked or trusted. Note if a child hesitates in answering a question. It's also important to assure children that they should never feel guilty or ashamed if they are abused and that they would never be in trouble if they report abuse to their parents, said Dr. Louis Kraus, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. While advocates hope to prevent child abuse, they also offer advice to parents in case a child reports abuse. Many survivors and experts encourage parents to stay calm and not to try to draw details out of the child but listen closely and repeat back what the child is saying in his or her own words. Then, call authorities. Some experts say that if a child shows a physical sign of possible physical or sexual abuse, having the child examined by a doctor might be an appropriate interim step. Chicagoan Barbara Blaine, founder and president of Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests, or SNAP, said parents need to create a platform by which their children can talk about abuse — something she said she lacked when she was victimized by a Catholic priest as a child. Parents need to recognize that even people who are in positions of authority and respected by their communities can be abusers. And someone who seems funny, charming and compassionate doesn't mean he or she couldn't be a predator. "It's really important that the kids have a good relationship (with parents) where there is a climate created that would make a child feel safe to speak up," Blaine said. "In my situation, I couldn't." For parents who worry that even broaching the topic of sex abuse with their children will take away their innocence, Steward said, "Innocence doesn't mean ignorance." Kraus, the Rush University child psychiatrist, acknowledged that the conversation can provoke anxiety for parent and child. He recommended parents who find it uncomfortable to broach the subject meet with their pediatrician or a mental health professional who can help walk them through the conversation. "Overall our environment is relatively safe, but there are dangers out there," Kraus said. "There are predators out there and there will always be." He acknowledged parents have a fine line to walk between scaring children and giving them the tools they need to protect themselves. "You don't want a child fearful of holding their hand crossing the street, but at the same time you want your child to know there are inappropriate types of touch," Kraus said. "They don't need to know why. They just need to know that this is something no one should do and (if someone does touch you inappropriately) you tell someone immediately." Contact: kimsteward47@gmail.com
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