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	The Power of Shame and Forgiveness By Jaime Romo Healing and Spirituality August 11, 2011 http://www.jaimeromo.com/blog/archives/367 “I believe the transformation from Survivor to Thriver happens when we can forgive the abuser. Maybe the transformation from Victim to Survivor happens when we can forgive ourselves.” A wise friend, teacher, therapist and thriver shared this observation with me. You can read more about his thoughts in an article called, “Forgiveness, the Best Revenge.” I may not adequately avoid the quagmire of forgiveness complexity or confusion in the following paragraphs. Sorry. What I mainly want to offer is an observation about the work that offending and non-offending church folks need to do to help promote healing and end abuse everywhere. I’ll just say it. Forgive yourselves for whatever you have done or not done to support survivors’ healing and end abuse everywhere. Then, you’ll be able to ask others for forgiveness and promote others’ healing. As the evidence of clergy abuse and cover up in church circles continues to expand, the usual players take up their roles. Survivor advocate groups speak up, inform, and expose the harm. Church leaders and cheerleaders continue to spin ludicrous rationale for clergy abuse. The 1.5 million dollar John Jay study about clergy sexual abuse basically concluded ‘the hippies made them do it.’ Really? And the 60s were responsible for centuries of abuse and cover up? When church folks don’t show compassion and competency with victims of sexual abuse, particularly religious authority sexual abuse, then attorneys speak up. This is clear in an extraordinary move by the Irish government towards the Irish Catholic Church’s use of the confessional to protect pedophilia. What is obviously missing is a collective voice of repentance from church folks. I think this silence (or defensiveness) relates to shame. I recently heard a presentation by a sociologist, Brene Brown. Perhaps some have heard this presentation in particular or read her works. Dr. Brown’s study led her to identify shame as an underlying issue that unravels connection between people—and isn’t connection what religion is supposed to be about? We all have some shame. No one wants to talk about it. The less you talk about it, the more you have it. It may sound like, “I’m not good enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, active enough, smart enough, fill in the blank.” With shame, vulnerability, being available to others in a way that we might get hurt, is excruciating- intolerable. Vulnerability is about being open and strong enough to be compassionate. And vulnerability between church folks and those who have experienced sexual abuse, particularly religious authority sexual abuse is necessary for healing. I recently participated in a one day forum that gathered extraordinary Child Sexual Abuse experts and CSA survivors together. The focus of the day was healing from incest and there were probably more organizers and presenters than participants. This reinforced what I have seen for years working with CSA survivors: shame makes it very difficult for victims or survivors to show up. That day also reframed my thinking about churchgoers who are silent about religious authority sexual abuse and the ongoing denial and cover up. I once thought that the reason that so many faithful churchgoers were silent was that they were so loyal to church. I don’t think that anymore. Here are my two new interpretations, also related to shame. Interpretation #1 is that faithful churchgoers who have been silent about RASA are people who have not been able to speak up about their own sexual abuse in their own homes, in their own families, past or present, and extended families, such as church. So how much can we really expect to see from an institution in being a leader or serious advocate in ending all RASA, when the larger context is that churchgoers apparently have their own demons to address? Interpretation #2 is that non-abused and non-offending churchgoers are ashamed of their own experiences of betrayal by church leaders regarding clergy abuse. In addition, many must feel shame at not having spoken up when they suspected or knew about abuse. This shame leads to the great disconnect with survivors. In other words, shame makes it very difficult for potential supporters to show up. Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune points out how the Irish church leadership has begun to reach out to survivors: saying ‘I love you,’ ‘I’m sorry,’ ‘Please forgive me.’ That’s being open and strong enough to show compassion. It is a beginning towards the forgiveness we need to move from being victims or part of a victimizing society towards being survivors and eventually, ‘thrivers.’ Jaime Romo, Ed.D. , is the author of “Healing the Sexually Abused Heart: A Workbook for Survivors, Thrivers, and Supporters” and “Parents Preventing Abuse”
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