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	"I Remember . . . the Feeling of Revulsion That Swept over Me" By Paul Cullen Irish Times July 14, 2011 http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/ireland/2011/0714/1224300713979.html TESTIMONY OF VICTIMS: THE FAILURE of diocesan authorities to deal properly with complaints compounded the wrong perpetrated by abusing priests, according to the Cloyne report. Without exception, people who made complaints about priests in the Cloyne diocese felt let down by the institutional church and many of them ceased to have any belief in the Catholic religion, it says. The last chapter of the report deals with the effects of abuse on the lives of those who made complaints and their family circle. It says all the complainants experienced great difficulty in revealing the abuse and points out that none of it was reported at the time it was happening. “Most complainants continued to live in the small towns and parishes in which they were reared and in which the abuse occurred. Their difficulties were compounded by the fact that the alleged abuser was usually still in the area and still held in high regard by their families and the community.” Even after the abuse stopped, the abusers continued to officiate at family weddings and funerals and, in one case, the complainant’s own wedding. Many complainants thought there were no other people abused by their abuser. Even when they reported the abuse as adults, they remained under this impression because the diocese never told them of other cases. Two people attempted suicide; other problems included difficulty managing anger, self-destructive behaviour, depression, isolation and poor self-esteem. One person revealed the abuse to a friend, 30 years after it happened: “I remember . . . the feeling of revulsion that swept over me, the constant need to put my hand over my mouth in case I’d get sick. The feeling that there were golf balls stuck in my throat . . .” The person continued: “I remember the smell of incense, the bible, the open confessions, the removal of his collar when he wanted to touch me more intimately. Nightmares, waking up with a sense of him standing by my bed and my head at his hips. Feverish nightmares, glimpses at events that had taken place but never enough to get a full picture. Separate instances. “They all mulch into one, one long brain-turning, nauseating roll of events. My head being pushed down, my body being invaded, the weight of his body on me.” Some of those who complained were left feeling complicit in the abuse, and all had great difficulty establishing and maintaining personal relationships. The report concludes: “No action can totally alleviate the anger and hurt suffered by the complainants but the commission hopes that this acknowledgement, and the publication of this report may, in some instances, assuage the hurt and anger justifiably felt by them.”
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