| POSITION |
NAME |
COMMENT |
| |
|
|
| OFFENSE
|
|
|
|
|
|
| WIDE RECEIVER |
Federico Lombardi |
Vatican press spokesman; Jesuit; frequently left holding the bag with ludicrous arguments crafted by Pope Pinocchio’s incompetent staff as the Vatican kicks the can down the clergy-sex-abuse road; fumbles so often that he’s known affectionately in Vatican press corps as Fumbling Freddie; caught 12 touchdown passes in 2009; fumbled 14 times in 2010 after catching passes |
| LEFT TACKLE |
Timothy Dolan |
Archbishop of New York; known for unmatched beer-drinking and back-slapping skills; world-class Vatican suck up; close friend of Peter Isely, quarterback for the Survivor/Advocate All Stars; known for fierce blocking and dirty play; selected to clerical all star teams every year since ordination |
| LEFT GUARD |
Robert Vasa |
Coadjutor Bishop of Santa Rosa, CA; well known for his strict adherence to Church doctrine; explained in January 2010 that use of excommunication and denial of communion were acts of charity; fierce blocker, showing little mercy and less charity to opponents; named as one of the Ten Most Conservative Bishops in America by the National Catholic Register in December 2010 |
| CENTER |
Roger Mahony |
Cardinal Archbishop of Los Angeles; top-notch prevaricator; his nose is getting so large that it’s beginning to embarrass even his most ardent supporters; known for liberally spending the Faithful’s donations ($600+ million to clergy abuse survivors and a juicy annuity for world-class child rapist Fr. Oliver O’Grady); skills as a center are suspect because of his record as a fumbler |
| RIGHT GUARD |
David O’Connell |
Bishop of Trenton; known for his love of sprawling suburban houses in fine neighborhoods far, far away from the rabble of the inner city; great pass protector; named as a finalist in 2010 Pius IX Clericalism Trophy race |
| RIGHT TACKLE |
Sean O’Malley |
Cardinal Archbishop of Boston; small and light for an offensive tackle; hides clerical sex abusers of children under his brown Franciscan robes; makes up for lack of size with smart Church politics and subtly dirty playing; named to all-time Clerical Humility Team; co-author of How to Get Ahead in the Vatican Sweepstakes, a best-seller in 2008; fierce blocker; pound for pound, one of the finest cardinals to play his position |
| TIGHT END |
Thomas Olmsted |
Bishop of Phoenix; authority freak; excommunicated hospital administrator Sister Margaret McBride for not stopping the abortion of a fetus that was endangering the mother’s life; Roman Catholic Smart Money predicts in its November 2010 issue that he’ll be a cardinal someday for his unswerving loyalty to papal teaching; excellent pass catcher and fierce blocker; caught four touchdown passes in 2010 |
| QUARTERBACK |
Tarcisio Bertone |
Vatican Secretary of State and Number 2 behind Pope Benedict XVI; made headlines in April 2010 when he said homosexuality and not celibacy was the cause of clergy sex abuse; threw 12 passes for touchdowns in 2010 |
| RUNNING BACK |
Gerald Kicanas |
Bishop of Tucson; former vice president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops; was key decision maker in the ordination of Chicago convicted child molester Fr. Daniel McCormack; ran for 906 yards and caught six touchdown passes in 2010 |
| SPLIT END |
Carlos Slim |
One of the richest people in the world; best known for founding Latin American mobile phone behemoth American Movil and donating large sums to his good friend Fr. Marcial Maciel Degollado; caught 13 touchdown passes in 2010 |
| FULLBACK |
Raymond Burke |
Cardinal archbishop; head of Apostolica Signatura, the Vatican’s highest court; native of Richland Center, Wisconsin; known for his elaborate clerical vestments and faithful adherence to church doctrine; subject of many sexual jokes; runs with authority; excellent pass protector; gained 1473 yards on the ground in 2010 |
| |
|
|
| DEFENSE |
|
|
|
|
|
| DEFENSIVE END |
Robert Lynch |
Bishop of St. Petersburg, FL; recently made headlines when he rejected a request by parochial school parents for a meeting to discuss questions they say their children were asked during confession; loves to blitz the quarterback; lead the clerical league with 12 sacks in 2010-2011 season |
| DEFENSIVE TACKLE |
Joseph Kurtz |
Archbishop of Louisville, KY; a lawsuit recently filed against the archdiocese contends it fired a 63-year-old woman employee for complaining about a priest who was removed from ministry and who had allegedly been sexually abusive was moving about at the parish unsupervised and circulating among children; excellent against the run; pass rushing suspect |
| DEFENSIVE TACKLE |
Allan Vigneron |
Archbishop of Detroit; like Bishop Olmsted in Phoenix, an authority freak; overseeing a major parish downsizing process; an up-and-comer; excellent blitzer; has a nose for the football |
| DEFENSIVE END |
Tod Brown |
Bishop of Orange County (CA); cited in 2007 for criminal contempt-of-court for sending Monsignor John Urell out of the country to receive medical treatment, before he had finished completing his testimony in a sexual abuse lawsuit; Brown himself was accused of abuse, an allegation he rigorously denied; excellent against the run. but a weak pass rusher |
| OUTSIDE LINEBACKER |
Charles Chaput |
Archbishop of Denver; named as one of the Ten Most Conservative Bishops in America by the National Catholic Register in December 2010; hard hitter; known for his toughness |
| MIDDLE LINEBACKER |
Francis George |
Cardinal Archbishop of Chicago; former head of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops; one of the most powerful men in the Catholic Church because of the wealth of the Chicago Archdiocese; calls defensive signals; named to all clerical all star team for the past 15 years; led the clericalism league with 26 unassisted tackles in 2010 |
| OUTSIDE LINEBACKER |
Angelo Sodano |
Dean, College of Cardinals; made headlines at 2010 Vatican Easter service when he lauded the pope’s handling of the clergy sex abuse crisis; his attempts at blitzing the quarterback often fall short |
| CORNERBACKB |
Donald Wuerl |
Cardinal archbishop of Washington, DC; said on 12.26. 2010, “when we look back and we talk about sexual abuse, we’re talking about something that happened 10, 20, even 30 years ago. We have succeeded in terms of the church and her response. We have succeeded in guaranteeing that if a priest is accused, and there is a credible allegation, he is simply removed from the ministry;” consummate hardball player; one of the fiercest tacklers in the clergy |
| CORNERBACKB |
Richard Lennon |
Archbishop of Cleveland; one of the meanest, toughest players in the game today; loves to talk tough and close down parishes; an elbow to the throat is one of his favorite tackling techniques; named by Real Catholic magazine as their preferred candidate to succeed Benedict XVI as pope |
| WEAK SAFETY |
Diarmuid Martin |
Cardinal Archbishop of Dublin; in January 2011 said that, in the past “most of the Irish bishops felt that dealing with the Congregation for Clergy was disastrous;” known for sorta standing up to the Vatican establishment; excellent against the run but somewhat shaky against the Hail Mary |
| STRONG SAFETY |
William Murphy; |
Bishop of Rockville Centre (NY); known for his large cash cache and taste for fine wine; a protégé of Bernard Law when Law ruled Boston; hard hitter; known as “Billy the Hammer;” two recipients of his hard hits are still in the hospital |
| |
|
|
| SPECIAL TEAMS |
|
|
|
|
|
| PLACE KICKER |
Angelo Scola |
Patriarch of Venice; known as “Cardinal Automatic;” shy and retiring prelate, who lets his toe do his talking; made 37 consecutive extra points and 13 of 14 field goals in 2010 |
| HOLDER |
Carlos Slim |
Billionaire founder of America Movil, Latin America’s largest mobile phone operator; best known in Church circles for his friendship with Fr. Macial Maciel Degollado |
| RETURN SPECIALIST |
Tom Monahan |
Billionaire founder of Domino’s Pizza; the money and energy behind the Ave Maria School of Law in Naples, Florida; excellent speed for an older man; returned two punts and two kickoffs for touchdowns in 2010 |
| PUNTER |
Justin Rigali |
Cardinal Archbishop of Philadelphia; publishes names of perpetrator averages on his archdiocesan website; averages 44 yards per punt |
|
|
|
| COACHES |
|
|
|
|
|
| HEAD COACH |
Pope Benedict XVI |
Servant of the Servants of God; a.k.a. Joseph Ratzinger and Pope Pinocchio; supreme authority in the Roman Catholic Church; very little coaching experience; knowledge of American football minimal |
| OFFENSIVE Coordinator |
Bernard Law |
Archpriest of St. Mary Major Basilica in Rome; former Cardinal Archbishop of Boston; internationally known for covering up sex crimes against children for decades; excellent player of the Church political wars; left Boston under a dark cloud; knowledge of offensive strategy suspect |
| DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR |
Angelo Sodano |
Dean, College of Cardinals; made headlines at 2010 Vatican Easter service when he lauded the pope’s handling of the clergy sex abuse crisis; his attempts at blitzing the quarterback often fall short |
| SPECIAL TEAMS COACH |
William Baum |
Former archbishop of Washington, DC; now the second longest serving cardinal in American history, behind only Cardinal James Gibbons of Baltimore; accomplished Vatican insider; recipient of the North American College’s Founder’s Award, citing his “long and tireless priestly service; eschews the spotlight |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|