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	How You Can Support Victims of Abuse By Jaime Romo Healing and Spirituality December 20, 2010 http://www.jaimeromo.com/blog/archives/333 The pope said in a NY Times interview, "We must ask ourselves what we can do to repair as much as possible the injustice that has occurred." Let me break it down. For people who wish to be supportive and part of the solution, recognize that survivors who come forward after many years of burying or denying or being disconnected from their abuse experience mostly want to: be heard, be believed; be joined in some way that their experience will be useful to prevent abuse for anyone else, particularly children. And not all survivors are in the same place, emotionally, psychologically, when it comes to sharing their experiences. For a person to come forward in a state of victimhood, the person may be feeling despair (e.g., fear, grief, unworthiness, guilt, insecurity), or rage (e.g., jealousy, hatred, revenge, anger). The person may be re-living the memories, and at this point what might be most helpful might be to mirror: listen and repeat key aspects of what the person has shared to make sure that you understand what the person is saying, rather than getting more details or commenting on what the person says. You have the honor of being trusted with this powerful information. Offer an empathetic statement like, 'I appreciate you sharing this with me; I imagine it must be very difficult for you to talk about this—using their reactions/ what they have shared/ what you have seen/ heard. Another person sharing their experiences may be speaking from a different place in their recovery—as a survivor. They may communicate blame, worry, doubt, disappointment, overwhelm, impatience, irritation, frustration or rage. For these people, it may be helpful to recognize their emotional distress and acknowledge that things sound difficult, that their lives have been seriously impacted—validate what they have shared, showing in some way that their sharing matters to you, that you are not distant or unaffected or complicit. Others may be in a different place, having done a good amount of recovery, so that they are not re-living or reporting the experiences, but re-telling in a way that shows a comparison between there and then living and living in the here and now. With these persons, you might show yourself as an ally, someone struggling with them in this work, not as an expert, but as someone in solidarity, someone willing to do something to promote accountability and transparency. But just as there are stages or differentiated ways of survivors sharing their abuse experiences, there are also stages or differentiated ways that listeners or would be supporters demonstrate. Some can be described as 'cheerleaders'. They are probably the least helpful and most offensive to survivors who wish to be believed and joined in their healing work to end abuse. They might deny the experiences or defend the abuser or related group, as recently happened in Massachusetts. Others might be more like 'oblivious bystanders,' hearing this information that a person shares, without taking it in as significant for their own lives or make connections to their own life experiences. These people are not directly abusive, but incompetent and may add frustration to the person who shares. Others may be more like guilty bystanders. This is what I meant earlier by struggling with the information, sharing what this person's sharing means to them, with the conviction that it will lead to action in some way, at a personal or organizational or institutional level. At this point, some may quit the church, as is happening in Germany. Finally, others may be more competent and have more experience in processing their own life experiences and are in a place where they can support the person sharing in whatever stage they are in. These people are allies. They manage their own feelings and are empathic listeners. They meet the person where s/he with a non-anxious presence, holding the feelings and story of the other without projecting feelings or reactions back onto the speaker. Wherever you are in this journey, I invite you to continue to learn so that you can take action to promote healing and end abuse. This would be a gift to survivors and to society. Dr. Jaime Romo is the author of "Parents Preventing Abuse." To learn more about the healing and helping process, read, "Healing the Sexually Abused Heart: A Workbook for Survivors, Thrivers, and Supporters."
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