By Louisa Taylor
Ottawa Citizen
November 12, 2010
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/Ottawa+abuse+survivor+confronts+past+Oprah+Winfrey+Show/3814302/story.html
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| Mike Grimes was abused by a priest as a child and was recently part of a group of men that shared their abuse experiences on the Oprah Winfry show. |
Mike Grimes spent a lifetime on the run from himself.
A successful television producer, he thrived on long hours working on sports events around the world and seemed to be loving every minute of it.
But inside, the Ottawa native was tormented by the pain of childhood sexual abuse. Beginning at the age of five, and continuing on and off for several years, Grimes was molested by a number of Catholic priests.
The corrosive secret ate away at him until just over seven years ago, when he began to confront his past, an grueling effort that landed him on the Oprah Winfrey Show recently. There he stood, shoulder to shoulder with 200 other male survivors of child sexual abuse for a special two-part episode. The first part aired last week, the second airs on Friday. Along with Hollywood producer Tyler Perry, who recently revealed his own history of abuse on Winfrey’s show, the talk show host wanted to make a point about how many boys are victimized — 1 in 6 in the United States — and how society would rather not talk about it.
“The reach Oprah Winfrey has is incredible,” says Grimes, 53. “She is so powerful and I am delighted she is using her power for good.”
While Grimes was not one of the participants interviewed by Winfrey on the stage, he appeared in an opening montage of victims speaking about their abuse, and a photo of him as a child appeared as a large poster hung behind Winfrey’s chair.
For Grimes, the story began in Ottawa in 1962, and while he’s willing to share the outlines he is not interested in giving details or naming names.
“Every person in my case is either dead or they were taken care of by someone else,” other victims who pressed charges, Grimes says.
“The priests were the starting point and that laid the groundwork, I was being primed for others,” says Grimes. “I was being taught that’s what was expected of me.”
When he eventually summoned the courage to tell an authority figure, Grimes says, he was not believed.
“It’s just the most devastating thing in the world,” says Grimes. “When the trust is taken away, and then they blame you, it’s like walking over an open pit with nothing below. You don’t feel you’re worthy, no matter how successful you are. I woke up every morning feeling like garbage.”
To dull the feelings, Grimes worked hard, drank hard and ate too much. He ended up dangerously overweight and charged with impaired driving.
“Odd as it sounds, that was the best thing that ever happened to me,” Grimes says.
The charge scared him into therapy. Seven and a half years later, he is a new man. Grimes dropped the weight and quit drinking. He came to terms with his homosexuality, something that had eluded him as long as he was prisoner to the effects of abuse.
So he didn’t hesitate to say yes when a support group, Male Survivor, asked if he would be interested in telling his story to Oprah. After interviews with the show’s producers, he flew to Chicago last month for the taping.
Simply being in a hotel with 199 other survivors was a powerful experience.
“You didn’t have to say more than ‘Are you here for the show?’” says Grimes. “We share this most intimate truth and we’re always going to be connected at the core. It was a wonderful thing to not have to explain.”
When he entered the studio and saw the larger-than-life photo of him as a child, Grimes said any doubts he had melted away.
“I was there to honour the kid that I was, the person I could have been, and the guy who’s been fighting for seven and a half years to take back my dignity.”
Winfrey opened the show with several moments of silence as the 200 men stood and held in front of them the photos of themselves as children.
“We were probably all on the verge of tears — including Oprah — but there was a huge amount of strength in that room,” says Grimes. “Her team was smart — they had put boxes of Kleenex under all the seats.”
Grimes says those close to him have been loving and supportive as he has undergone therapy in recent years, but a few have had a hard time accepting that his story is true. He urges others to offer support to their loved ones above all.
“The first thing you should do, if they’re comfortable with it, is give them a big hug, and then talk about it,” says Grimes. “You really don’t have a right to do anything other than believe them first and deal with your own misgivings after.”
Now a public servant, Grimes plans to continue to work toward helping other survivors, especially those who have not yet sought help.
“No matter where you are in terms of your recovery, hang on, hug your pillow and get help,” says Grimes. “The fact you’re still alive means — even if you can’t see it — there is hope. Let it come out.”
For more information about services for survivors in Ottawa, visit the Men’s Project at www.themensproject.ca or the Centre for Childhood Sexual Abuse and Trauma at www.centrefortreatment.com.
Contact: ltaylor@ottawacitizen.com
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