By Kim Mackrael
Guelph Mercury
June 19, 2010
http://news.guelphmercury.com/News/Local/article/649828
 |
| Guelph author Ken Hills. His latest novel, based on his experience as a childhood victim of sexual abuse by a Catholic priest in Toronto, will be launched this week at St. Joseph's Church, in Guelph. |
GUELPH — Ken Hills is a storyteller. You can see it in his eyes when he starts reminiscing — and in his hands, which mould the air in front of him like it’s clay to emphasize his words.
Ask him about his dog, Bear, or how he met his wife, Louise, and he’ll readily regale you with the stories, his eyes shining and his lips turned just slightly upwards in a smile as he speaks.
But when the topic of conversation turns to his latest novel, the smile fades and Hills is a little quieter. It’s not that the local children’s author is unwilling to share the story. It’s just that this one’s been a long time coming, and after years of keeping it to himself, he wants to be sure he tells it right.
Hills says he was sexually abused by a Catholic priest when he was a young adolescent living in Toronto. His newest book, Requiem for Black Shoes, uses a mix of fact and fiction to tell the story of the impact that abuse had on his life and his long journey toward healing.
Now 72, the devout Catholic says he hopes sharing his story will spark a much-needed conversation within the church about how to support survivors of sexual abuse and help rebuild the institution’s damaged reputation.
“What I want from this opportunity is to open (the issue of sexual abuse) up for discussion within the confines of the church,” Hills said.
The Vatican has come under intense scrutiny in recent years over allegations that it covered up sex abuse scandals in the United States, Ireland, Canada, and other countries.
“They’ve been ill-advised in a lot of different incidents, but they’re showing a willingness now to correct that,” Hills said.
“I want to show that churches are willing to offer support and they’re willing to listen to people such as me who have had this experience.”
And Hills’ own place of worship, St. Joseph’s Catholic Church, on Paisley Road, is his first stop.
Hills will launch Requiem for Black Shoes in the church’s community meeting room, at 7 p.m., on Wednesday. For him, there was no better choice of venue to tell his story in public for the first time.
“I was born a Catholic, and I’ll die a Catholic,” he said. “The church is my home.”
Ken Miskiewicz, the parish priest at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church, welcomed Hills’ suggestion that he use church space to launch his book. He hasn’t read the book yet — Hills’ first order of copies arrived just two days ago — but he’s prepared for the subject matter.
“I thought it would be good for the church to show support for him and other victims of abuse, whether it be in the church or wherever else,” Miskiewicz said.
He admitted the book launch might stir up some controversy, but added, “It’s not necessarily a bad thing to get some discussion going. I don’t know if I’m taking a chance, but I guess we’ll see.”
After the launch, Hills said he hopes he can make more public appearances — both at other churches and in the broader community — to help people deal with the repercussions of childhood sex abuse.
Sitting in the living room of his south-end Guelph home, Hills speaks quietly, his voice cracking at times when he recalls the more difficult parts of his youth. He won’t discuss the specific circumstances of the abuse, saying only that it happened over a “period of weeks” and in a place he had always considered safe.
In the years after the abuse, he said he went into survival mode, doing what he could to make it through each day without breaking down. Hills was just seven when his father died and he couldn’t imagine ever telling his mother about the priest who had hurt him.
So he kept quiet. He withdrew from many of the sports he used to play and he lost some of his friends. Looking back, Hills said he spent much of his early adolescence just doing what he could to make it through each day without breaking down.
“One thing I always said to God was, ‘Keep me alive until I’m 21. Because when I’m 21 I’ll be an adult, and when I’m an adult I’ll be able to handle all of this.’ And guess what? When I was 21 it was just as bad,” Hills said.
As he grew older, he kept the memories locked away. He raised three children with Louise and taught high school English for 32 years. In all that time, he never spoke about the priest.
Still, as deep as Hills tried to bury the trauma, he couldn’t stop it from seeping back into his life.
Louise said she often felt her husband stiffen and recoil from her touch when she tried to draw him close for an embrace. Some days, he would sink into sadness and solitude, and be unable to speak with his family.
“I would go through these periods of time where I always used to think, “What have I done? What did I say?” she said.
“There has never been a day or an instant where I thought someone else was involved. He’s just not that type of person. But when your husband isn’t talking to you, what do you think?”
That changed when Hills retired from teaching.
“Suddenly, the whole thing erupted like a volcano,” he said.
Hills finally told his wife of 35 years about the abuse and began seeing a psychiatrist.
“I knew I had to get help because it was really driving me crazy,” he said.
The psychiatrist knew Hills had already written several children’s books. Eventually, she suggested he try writing a book about his experiences of abuse as a way to help him heal.
But putting the story into words wasn’t easy. Hills wrote the book over two years, often in the middle of sleepless nights.
“I was worried,” Louise said.
“But he kept assuring me that in the long run it’s going to be good for him, so I thought, OK, go for it.”
Louise read multiple drafts of the book, offering her advice and edits as her husband worked.
The premise of the story and much of its content mirrors Hills’ life. But it’s not quite an autobiography. The facts are mixed in with creative embellishments and details, a useful trick to help Hills craft the story while protecting the most personal details of his life from public scrutiny.
“I haven’t divulged everything in there,” he said. “Nor will I ever.”
Most notably, Hills has never publicly identified the priest who abused him. He said he considered confronting him and once prepared a letter to send to him through a lawyer. At the last minute, however, he decided not to contact him.
“I didn’t really see any point in pursuing it. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t angry at the individual, angry at the church, at God. But time changes your perspective,” he said.
Not everyone will agree with Hills’ decision not to confront his abuser. Hills said his psychiatrist thought he should try to make the man responsible for his actions, but he was adamant that he didn’t want to look for retribution anymore and, in any case, he suspects the man is dead by now.
Instead, Hills said he is determined to move forward and make the most of the lessons he’s learned about surviving childhood sexual abuse.
“I’m trying to turn a negative experience into a positive one. I’ve been trying to do that most of my life, and I haven’t been all that successful. But I think this may be my last opportunity, and I’m going to give it my best shot,” he said.
That means taking the book beyond the walls of St. Joseph’s and into other churches across southern Ontario. By doing that, Hills hopes he can help the church take another important step toward healing and redemption.
“It has to start somewhere. It’s a spark, right? We have to get that spark going,” he said.
Gerard Bergie, the auxiliary bishop of the Diocese of Hamilton, of which St. Joseph’s is a part, said he’s open to meeting with Hills to discuss how to share his message further.
“It takes a great deal of courage to do what he is doing,” he said. “It will help him, and it will help the greater community.”
Bergie added he was supportive of anything Hills thought would help “take the experience from darkness to light.”
And that’s exactly what Hills hopes to accomplish with the new book.
“The church by definition is the people, it’s the whole body. We’re the church, so let’s straighten this mess out,” he said.
Hills said he plans to sell copies of Requiem for Black Shoes for $17.95 at www.amazon.ca. He’s also selling copies of the book at the Wednesday night launch for $15.
Contact: kmackrael@guelphmercury.com
Any original material on these pages is copyright © BishopAccountability.org 2004. Reproduce freely with attribution.