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	An Interview with Northern California Survivor Supporter, Connie Valentine. By Jaime Romo Healing and Spirituality April 22, 2010 http://www.jaimeromo.com/blog/archives/210 JR: Connie, we met on the first day of the 16th Annual Northern California Child Sex Abuse Awareness conference "Whistle Blower Children: What happens when children report sex abuse". I was impressed by the positive energy around advocacy to end sexual abuse. What got you to organize this event? CV: Thank you, Jaime. In 1992 a small group of incest survivors attended a conference on child sexual abuse in San Francisco. The workshop leader Libbe HaLevy recommended developing Incest Survivors Speakers' Bureaus all over the country to speak out about sexual abuse, particularly incest. Our group is the only one we know who followed her wise advice. You can see our website at www.issb.us. During the intervening 18 years, our little local group healed individually and collectively through good trauma therapy and group support. We began our conferences 16 years ago to bring the issue of child sex abuse to community awareness in hopes it will help to end this scourge. The conferences are a collaborative effort and your comments make us realize that we have come a long way. We really do feel positive about healing from, and ending, sexual abuse. JR: On day 1 of the conference, we talked about the background, impact of trauma, and resources to heal from trauma. The day ended with the film, "Pray the Devil Out of Hell." You said that education is no longer enough and what is needed now is action. What did you mean? CV: We have talked about child sex abuse for years through conferences, books and articles in newspapers, magazines and the Internet. Talk is cheap. I believe we need to move to more public direct action, such as marches, protests, vigils, legislation, class action lawsuits, and insistence on prosecution of criminals. Members of the public really do not want to hear about the sex abuse of children. Through their collective denial, they are actually complicit in allowing it to flourish. We need to awaken the hearts of people who care so they can come out of their denial and face this issue in a straightforward manner. By remaining silent in our homes, we actually collude with perpetrators. By protesting in public places, we shine a light on their dark acts. Survivors no longer feel that the shame belongs to us. We want to openly give the shame back to the perpetrators who need to be held accountable for their crimes. Pray the Devil Back to Hell is the story of Liberian women who stopped a civil war by their activism. They are my heroes. I believe we need to follow in their footsteps to end the civil war against children. JR: You mentioned that the second day was even better than the first, if that is possible. What happened on the second day of the conference? CV: The second day of the conference was superb. Robin Sax, a former child sex abuse prosecutor and media expert from Los Angeles, spoke about taking action to stop perpetrators by reporting them to the authorities even years after the fact. Several women immediately acted upon that advice. A model Multi-Disciplinary Interview Team from Yolo County made a panel presentation. Their professional, organized teamwork has changed the culture in our county and brought many sex offenders to justice. Their talk gave hope to many in the audience. Finally, in the afternoon, we had a panel of experts who listened to testimony from mothers whose children had been torn from them by family courts after the children reported sexual abuse by their fathers. Horrifyingly, the children were placed in the full custody of the fathers and the mothers, who had done them no harm, were placed on supervised visitation. Even though the burden of proof is far lower in civil court, the children were not protected, and were in fact further endangered after blowing the whistle on their perpetrators. Their prognosis is poor. They and our society suffer by their plight. The panel responded extremely well to the mothers' presentations. We gained allies on the second day of the conference and are working together on solutions to this egregious miscarriage of justice through Legislation and media. In fact, the next week after the conference, on April 14, Dr. Phil had an excellent program on the crisis in family court which will lead to more activism and knowledge. You can view the program at http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1442. In response, a new group has begun political action against the judge whose decision resulted in the completely preventable murder of a little baby. http://www.lemkaumustgo.com. That's what I mean by the need for action. JR: I was excited to hear about a Mother's Day gathering in Washington, D.C. What is that about? CV: We are going to Washington DC to stand in silent vigil in front of the White House on Sunday, May 9, 2010 which is Mothers' Day. We are asking to speak to the President and First Lady to tell them about this hidden horror of court ordered child abuse and to ask for a Federal investigation. The group sponsoring this action is Mothers of Lost Children www.mothers-of-lost-children.com. These are safe, loving mothers whose children have been placed with batterers and molesters by family courts across the nation. It is a scandal as huge as the pedophile priest scandal, and is current and ongoing. These children are being raped and beaten by court order. Their non-abusive grieving mothers are rendered helpless to protect the children through court orders forcing them to see their children only under supervised conditions. We encourage everyone to come and stand with us. Our action is in the tradition of the suffragettes, the civil right movement, the Liberian women, the Argentine Mothers of the Disappeared, and all human rights movements. The difference is that the children cannot speak for themselves, so we have to do it for them. JR: You are leaving the conference director role to take up full time advocacy re: ending abuse. What is next for you? CV: After 16 years as conference coordinator, I am turning that role over to my Incest Survivors Speakers' Bureau colleagues who will carry on the tradition. We need to continue to acknowledge National Child Abuse Prevention month and National Sexual Abuse Awareness month every April. I want to do more direct action. Corruption does not respond to education. I plan to continue to coordinate events that will make the public aware of these atrocities. I plan to work with lobbyists and legislators to bring a halt to crimes being done in full view under color of authority. JR: What do you make of the current revelations of ongoing sexual abuse and apparent cover up, with respect to promoting healing and ending sexual abuse? CV: The pedophile priest scandal has brought much needed light to the issue of people in authority getting away with criminal activity. It is my favorite scandal in the world. We have always suspected the cover-up was authorized from on high, and now it appears there is increasing evidence of that. We honor SNAP and the wonderful men and women who have brought the issue of child sex abuse by priests, and the collusion by their bishops and others, into the public's awareness. Many good reforms have occurred in churches as a result of the lawsuits. JR: What has been helpful for you in your own recovery from ritual abuse? CV: I attribute my recovery to God, sobriety, personal stubbornness and an excellent trauma therapist. The years of grappling with the evil in my childhood was certainly rigorous, but very healing. It's true that there is no way around it. It has to be faced squarely, re-lived, re-felt, metabolized. There are many tools now that did not exist 20 years ago, such as EMDR, to help mitigate the pain of recovery. I decided early on to refuse to fall down – and refuse to stay down if I did fall down. It was helpful to confront issues face on. Denial doesn't work for very long. For example, I felt incapable of speaking in front of groups previously, and decided just to try anyway. It worked. I realized at some point that suicidal depression was merely rage turned on the wrong person. It could be cured in a heartbeat….by becoming enraged at the perpetrators. The next step, of course, was to turn the rage into positive action. I spent quite a bit of time on that process. JR: We discussed that we are living a beautiful life and how 2 years ago neither of us could have said that. That we live not despite, but through our abuse experience, and are transformed with a mission greater than ourselves. Can you talk about that? CV: You know, Jaime, I love my life. I could not ask for more. Some would say it is a monastic sort of life, that I don't have any fun, that I could socialize more, go to movies, parties, hiking, etc. But none of those things fulfill me. To tell the truth, those things bore me to tears. I've found my life's work and am throwing myself into it. It is a great feeling, a tremendous joy. I don't regret the past any more. Brutal as it was, it taught me everything I know. It is such a pleasure to know you and to know we share the same outlook. We are indeed living a beautiful life, and mine is enriched by knowing you. JR: I believe that there is a convergence among many groups (survivors and supporters, religiously affiliated or not) to end child sexual abuse. What evidence do you see of this convergence? CV: Together we can do so much that we can't do in separate camps or silos. I see our commonalities and ability to work together to be our greatest strength. We've invited priest abuse survivors from SNAP to speak at our conferences in the past, and I hope they will continue to support our efforts. It is so exciting to me to know men who are not afraid to speak out about being sexually abused in childhood. It gives such hope to sexually abused boys who now have role models in their healing journey. As more and more survivors heal, speak out, and become activists, we can change the world. One of my favorite quotes is from psychologist John Briere who said, "If child abuse were to end today, in two generations the DSM (manual of mental health diagnoses) would shrink to the size of a pamphlet and all the prisons would be empty." Another favorite quote is attributed to Gandhi: "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Thank you for this lovely invitation to write my thoughts. JR: Thank you for your commitment to promote healing and end sexual abuse everywhere. Thank you for your example and wisdom.
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