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	Everyone Wants Enlightenment, But… By Dr. Jaime Romo Healing and Spirituality April 13, 2010 http://www.jaimeromo.com/blog/ If child sexual abuse is a process rather than an event, and if the impact of this abuse has been untreated for any amount of time, then recovery is also a process. The good news is that there are some individuals who have moved from the soul death of religious authority sexual abuse to healing, balancing and restoring their lives. A problem seems to be that institutions, at best, moving from denial to healing. What's a basic solution? When those who continue to identify with religious institutions move from denial to transformation, the institutions will change. Although you may not have been sexually abused by a religious authority, you have been impacted by that abuse. Whether you practice atheism, humanism, or have been a faithful, contributing member of a particular religious group, you may have experienced the meaning of the strange admonition, 'Pray to be disillusioned.' When we let go of illusions, we can address problems meaningfully and effectively. As a teacher, researcher, and teacher educator, however, I have experienced how intelligent people, like some prominent scientists, can see what they believe they are looking for rather than believe what they see. I have seen how good people also hold on to some illusions that serve them in some way, but which can lead them to compound the isolation, mistrust, and rage that victims of religious authority sexual abuse too often experience. I also know many active survivor supporters who have come to understand how they have been misled and/ or allowed themselves to be misled by religious authorities. In effect, non-abused survivor supporters have experienced some of the betrayal that victims of religious authority sexual abuse have experienced, but from a different perspective. This is the point at which that strange admonition can be useful. Once disillusioned, you are now in a position to step back and examine how you have previously understood your role or what role, knowingly or unknowingly, you may have played and make a conscious decision about what role you will now play: cheerleader, bystander, or ally. Because there is limited research about religious authorities who are arrested, jailed for child sexual abuse, I borrow from something we know more about in order to illustrate a point for survivor supporters: domestic violence. The following statements are adapted from Paul Kivel's 'Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence that Tears our Lives Apart,' related to male violence upon children, wives or partners. 'The present is not simply the result of all past experiences and training. Not everyone who is sexually assaulted commits sexual assault. Not every boy who is beaten up grows up to beat his children, wife, or partner. Men decide to commit acts of violence. Men decide whether to take responsibility for those acts or to avoid responsibility. There are standard tactics men who are abusive use to avoid responsibility. Denial: 'I didn't hit her.' If the denial doesn't hold up because of the evidence (i.e., she has a broken arm, bruises, or miscarriage), then the violence is minimized. 'I didn't hit her. Well, it was only a slap.' When the minimization doesn't hold up because she is in the hospital, then the batterer's justification shifts to a combination of justifying the violence and blaming the victim. 'She asked for it.' Or 'She should have known not to say that to me.' Kivel goes on to describe other responses to victims or to those who support the victims: Redefinition: 'It was mutual combat. She hit me first. It takes two to fight.' Intentionality: 'I didn't intend to hit her. I didn't mean to hit her so hard. Things got out of hand. I didn't mean to….' Distance present from past: 'It's all over with. I'll never do it again.' Infrequency: 'It was an isolated incident.' Counterattack with competing victimization: 'She's really the one who has all the power over me.' These sound like statements from religious leaders and their cheerleaders, who are people that excuse, ignore, or allow sexual abuse. Cheerleaders regularly express concern for perpetrator's welfare, rarely referring to victim's welfare. As a result, perpetrators continue to live and work in the religious setting after disclosure. Oblivious bystanders, parents and/ or members of religious or other organizations who do not see or act on such warning signs related to religious authority sexual abuse, also perpetuate abuse. Oblivious bystanders have been told by the child or others about molest behaviors, but continue to allow contact between the molester and child. Oblivious bystanders vacillate between blaming the perpetrator and blaming the victim. They may believe misinformation that the church 'has no choice' but to file for bankruptcy or that the church is victimized by survivors. A guilty bystander, on the other hand, may report concerns to friends or relatives, but not to authorities. Just yesterday, I heard a spiritual teacher say about his experience with very spiritually minded people, 'Everyone wants enlightenment, but no one wants to change.' It reminds me of the saying, 'it's not that they don't see the solution; it's that they don't see the problem.' The problem is that we want enlightenment without change. The solution is us—out of denial. With each report of abuse and/ or cover up by religious leaders, I hope that non-abused survivor supporters move from unconsciously incompetent (cheerleaders) to consciously incompetent (bystanders); from consciously incompetent (bystanders) to consciously competent (allies); from consciously competent (allies) to unconsciously competent (change agents). Or is abuse OK?
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