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	Vacaville Man Showing Other Sexual Abuse Victims How to Reclaim Their Lives By David Deerfeeder The Reporter March 21, 2010 http://www.thereporter.com/features/ci_14725285 CALIFORNIA -- I attended a Roman Catholic elementary school, high school and university. I knew many dedicated priests and nuns who lived in integrity. Early on, I also met the priest who molested me repeatedly as a child. He was a sick and twisted individual. With the emerging news of sex abuse scandals concerning Roman Catholic schools in Europe, I am reminded of my own abuse experiences and the long road of reaction and recovery that followed them. Archbishop Robert Zollitsch, head of the German Bishops Conference, is quoted as saying, "Sexual abuse of children ... has neither to do with celibacy, nor with homosexuality, nor with Catholic sexual doctrine." I am relieved to hear a Roman Catholic prelate who understands that the sexual abuse of a child by an adult is not about sexual orientation. It is about power. Recovering from sexual abuse is also about power. Breaking the silence about what happened is the start of reclaiming the power that was surrendered -- not lost -- during the abuse. It may be decades before that silence can be approached, much less broken. It requires attaining a moment that feels safe and mustering enough courage to feel strong. It can be a long and difficult road from the abuse to that moment of coinciding strength and safety. Our society portrays the ideal man as the strong, silent type, expected to rise to any challenge in a world where "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." Even a boy knows this expectation. When he is sexually abused, he knows he was not the winner in the encounter. Shame over his powerlessness will hold him in silence for as long as he keeps the secret. Predators are wise to ways to ensure cooperation. Many molesters use a male's body against him, eliciting pleasure in the victim. For some men, especially those molested in adolescence, the resulting confusion locks the secret away. Other predators create a pretext that they are their prey's only true friend. Still others, like mine, steadily dehumanize their targets. Some will ask, "Why can't you just get over it and move on?" Research by clinical psychologist-neuropsychologist Sarah Ullman indicates that repeated emotional trauma during certain periods of childhood can immerse the developing brain in such a mix of hormones that the healthy formation of the pre-frontal cortex is inhibited. Thus, emotional trauma in children can lead to brain damage that lasts a lifetime. This brain damage impacts the functions managing judgment and impulse control. That traumatized child then grows up not only psychologically scarred, but actually physically impaired in relation to these functions. Rash behavior, rage, anger management issues, and difficulties in maintaining intimate relationships are all related to impulse control and judgment. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a psychological condition brought on in reaction to repeated and/or intense trauma. The development and depth of PTSD depends upon the nature and duration of the trauma, the emotional health of the victim, and how rapidly effective treatment was available to overcome it. For those who develop PTSD as a result of abuse, a constellation of behaviors can occur beneath the level of awareness. Hyper-vigilance is a common symptom of PTSD. Repeated trauma teaches the abused person to always be watchful, in order to avoid the next occurrence. Survival becomes the priority, avoidance becomes the pathology, and trust and discernment go out the window. Hyper-vigilance is not always easy to identify. It can show up as control issues, avoidance of intimacy, or the use of humor or anger to ensure isolation, among other guises. The man who has spent years of his life with brain damage and/or PTSD is not likely to easily see his own behavioral living conditions. These impairments are his constant environment, the filter through which he looks at life. He is like a fish born in a bayside aquarium, unaware that he lives in a limited space and that the fish he sees through the window are living in the freedom of the ocean. He only knows what he knows. For me to notice, I lived in that fishbowl which first required the deaths of my two abusers (I was also sexually abused by my father), a sufficient amount of personal pain, and the ability to glimpse my self-destructive behaviors. Until that time, in my mid-30s, I generally countered any compliment with some secret "bad" behavior. I had lived in shame for so long, I felt obligated to maintain a steady supply of it. I was unable to believe I was really a good person. In my formative years, I had been taught otherwise repeatedly between the ages of 4 and 10. When I began dealing with the legacy of my abuse, I was wracked by shame and confusion. I wished there was someone somewhere telling my story for me. I couldn't find words to describe my feelings, and I felt alone. I have known men who were unable to find the words to lift them past their shame, and who, despite support from fellow survivors, chose to end their lives to end their pain. I now strive to be the voice I once longed to hear. I speak out about what happened to me, about things I have learned about brain damage and living with PTSD, about the joy and hope that I find in recovery. I have learned to feel and name a variety of feelings, where once I knew only anger, sadness, or numbness. I have learned how to identify and recover from depression. I have begun to live in full color, not in the shadowy black-and-white world of predator and prey that I inhabited for so long. I have my moments of triumph and my mistakes. Even as an adult I have been caught by wily predators. By God's grace I have never become an abuser. I am grateful that I don't understand how an adult could molest a child. it. I have learned how to continue to love a friend who became a child molester. I have learned to still believe God is love. I have learned much in the process of my recovery about compassion, strength, faith, forgiveness and advocacy. These are not always easy lessons. If you are a man who was molested as a child, know that you are not alone, it was not your fault, and that no matter how long it has been, you can work through the aftermath and enjoy life in that big, beautiful ocean. You can learn wisdom, how and when to trust, and how to fail and to succeed. You need no longer be bound by or beholden and obligated to shame. If you love a man who was molested as a child, understand that he may not yet be able to see the impact of that experience. His reactions to everyday life may not make sense. By all means, ensure your own safety if that is an issue. Know that in many ways, you may see in him values and gifts he has yet to see in himself. I dream of a world in which children are loved and cherished. Toward that end, for the time being, I work for a world where adults who were hurt as children can begin to love and cherish themselves. One heart at a time, that bigger dream will come to pass. Vacaville songwriter David Deerfeeder is available as a speaker on men's childhood sexual abuse issues and recovery. His Web site is www.daviddeerfeeder.com and his e-mail is unitydavid@gmail.com.
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