By Virginia Jones
Compassionate Gathering
February 18, 2010
http://web.me.com/virginiajones/Compsassionate_Gathering/Virginias_Reading_List.html
UNITED STATES -- The work we do at Compassionate Gathering is what I like to call a community based Restorative Justice, which is a holistic approach to crime. The organizing concept is that the whole community is wounded by a crime -- not just an individual victim -- and the whole community needs to be involved in the healing process. Native cultures, such as the Navajo, have practiced Restorative Justice by having the members of a community sit together as each tells how they were impacted by a crime. Such events are betters known to most people as Talking Circles. The first set of books deals with various concepts needed to make Restorative Justice work such as apology and forgiveness and Compassionate Listening.
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Restorative Justice:
On Apology, Aaron Lazare, 2004. This book should be mandatory reading for anyone who as abused anyone or covered up abuse. Aaron Lazare is a professor of Psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts who has studied apology for close to 20 years. A sincere and effective apology really enables forgiveness and reconciliation.
No Future Without Forgiveness, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, 1998. Desmond Tutu was already a Nobel Peace Laureate when Nelson Mandela asked him to head up the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. Desmond Tutu believes a complete disclosure of the truth and genuine repentance are vital for forgiveness. He recounts stories in which people who perpetrated human rights abuses apologized in public to their victims who were also able to tell their stories in public with the compassionate support of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. I really think that this is what is needed in the Catholic Church. Our Compassionate Gatherings are like mini Truth and Reconciliation Commissions except no one guilty of wrongdoing has ever asked to tell us their story. We just listen compassionate to the stories of the wounded.
The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness: You are a prisoner in a concentration camp. A dying Nazi soldier asks for your forgiveness. What would you do?, Simon Wiesenthal, 1998. Simon Wiesenthal was unable to forgive the dying Nazi soldier. The soldier had substantially repented but still showed some insensitivity to the Jewish prisoner, Simon Wiesenthal. However, Mr. Wiesenthal spent the rest of his life exploring forgiveness by asking spiritual and academic leaders to what they would do.
Words that Hurt, Words that Heal: How to Choose Words Wisely and Well, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, 1996. Wow, Jewish spirituality appears to be more demanding than Christian spirituality. This book is powerful reading with many good stories.
Listening with the Heart: A Guide for Compassionate Listening. Carol
Hrowschinsky, 2001. This book explores Compassionate Listening in depth although it does not explain how to do it. Everyone who participates in a truth and reconciliation commission type event like our Compassionate Gatherings needs to read this book.
The Saints: Daily Reflections on Saints, Prophets and Witnesses for our Time, Robert Ellsberg, 1991. I had to have one Catholic book on here. This book helped to inspire my conversion to Catholicism. The saints were brave people who set out to fight for justice and change the work for the better. Advocating for the wounded is a very catholic thing to do.
St Francis of Assisi; A Revolutionary Life, Adrian House, 2001. One more Catholic book although I don't believe this particular biography is authorized by the Church. Early in the 13th century St. Francis was praying in an old church that was falling down when the Jesus on the crucifix spoke to him, "Go rebuild my church." St. Francis thought Jesus meant to literally rebuild the church brick by brick or stone by stone. A few years alter he realized meant that he was supposed to rebuild the whole Catholic Church spiritually. He did this by living the changes the Church needed to make. At a time when Church leadership often traveled and lived in luxury, he embraced what he called Lady Poverty and strove to own nothing but the clothes on his back. While Church leaders were often arrogant with their authority, he declined to become a priest and remained a lay preacher his whole life. Even when he was the head of his order, he would instruct a new brothers to make him their servant during chapter meetings. What would St. Francis do today?
All Survivors:
Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse, Ainscough, Carolyn and Toon, Kay, 2000. I read this book as I was coming to terms with my own abuse. It explained everything very succinctly.
Male survivors:
Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse, Lew, Mike, 1988. You don't need to be a man to get something out of this book. It is very helpful to understanding the ways we survivors sabotage ourselves.
The Tricky Part: One Boy's Fall From Trespass Into Grace, Moran, Martin, 2005. Martin Moran is a good story teller.
Don't Tell: The Sexual Abuse of Boys, Dorais, Michel, 2002. This book is painful reading but it helped me understand male survivors better.
Female survivors:
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Bass, Ellen and Davis, Laura, 2008.
I Never Called It Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting and Surviving Date and Acquaintance Rape, Warshaw, Robin, 1988. As a date rape victim, I found this book very helpful. My favorite quote is "bad judgment is not a rapable offense." I think date rape helps me understand teenaged clergy abuse and sex abuse survivors. We were old enough to "know better" so we end up blaming ourselves for what happened to us.
Recovery from Rape, Ledray, Linda E. 1994.
Spiritual Healing:
The Way of the Wound, Robert Grant. Elizabeth loves this book but hasn't gotten around to loaning it to me yet.
Healing the Sexually Abused Heart: A Workbook for Survivors, Thrivers and Supporters, Jaime Romo, 2010. Jaime appears to have written his book for survivors of clergy abuse. Other survivors face the same problems. This excellent book helps all survivors explore where they are and where they want to be and start moving forward with healing. If you want to know more about this book click here.
The Shack, William P. Young, 2007. If you are wondering about how God can let so much abuse go on, this book is for you. William Young is a devout Christiam but fundamentalist Christians hate this book.
The Power of Intention, Wayne Dyer, 2005. This book will guide you to having better relationships if you can follow what Wayne Dyer says. The spirituality is multi-denominational with ideas from many religions. Probably any book by Wayen Dyer would be helpful.
The Clergy Abuse Scandal:
The Church that Forgot Christ, Breslin, Jimmy, 2004. Jimmy Breslin is a good writer.
A Gospel of Shame: Children, Sexual Abuse, and the Catholic Church, Bruni, Frank, and Burkett, Elinor, 2002.
Our Fathers: The Secret Life of the Catholic Church in an Age of Scandal, France, David, 2004. This was the first book I read on the clergy abuse scandal. I couldn't put it down.
Sex, Priests, and Secret Codes: The Catholic Church's 2,000-Year Paper Trail of Sexual Abuse, Doyle, Thomas p., A.W.R. Sipe, and Patrick Wall, 2006. This book may not be as captivating as the others but it lays out the history of clergy abuse in detail
Vows of Silence: The Abuse of Power in the Papacy of John Paul II, Berry, Jason, and Renner, Gerald, 2004. This book details the stupidity of church actions in two major cases. It is another book hard to put down.
Films:
Hand of God by Joe Cultrera, 2007. Rules governing non-profits say that I can't say this is the best film, but it is. When we showed this to Catholic parishioners, they were able to make the connections between the experiences of our parish and the experiences of survivors. Joe Cultrera's parents' devotion to their faith makes them very sympathetic characters.
Deliver Us From Evil. Revealing interview with an abusive priest is part of this film
Our Fathers, 2006. Made for television movie based on the book.
Kung Fu television series on DVD and You Tube. After you are burnt out on all the depressing stories about abuse, watch these television shows to reorient yourself spirituality. Watch those cute scenes of the young Kwai Chang Caine learning spiritual lessons from Master Po and Master Kahn and the adult Kwai Chang Caine living out those lessons. The series star, David Carridine, is not so admirable, but I read about his childhood, and it was pretty awful. That is why we need to eliminate child abuse. What goes around, comes around.
Humor: This is intended to be a growing list because, as Reader's Digest says, laughter is the best medicine.
Songs: Always Look of the Bright Side of Life by Monte Python. My favorite lines are "Life's a piece of #@-it, when you look at it," and "When Life is jolly rotten, there is something you've forgotten -- to laugh and dance and play and sing". I may not have my quotes quite right, but the idea is still there. We survivors often struggle with depression and multiple other problems. I think we forget to laugh and have fun. When I am feeling down, I love to sing this song or play it on You Tube. When you have lots of problems what else is there to do? Maybe the best thing to do is to acknowledge how awful things are and laugh at how much bad luck you've had. Then just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are so many times when I have felt hopeless. Everything seemed so hard. I am a divorced single mother with two kids and no job. How do I keep things together on my own with so little support? I have my bad moments. Actually I seem to have not only bad moments but bad days and bad weeks and bad years. I've had my crying fits and temper tantrums. But I always kept going no matter what happened to me. I kept going like an energizer bunny. Sometimes I sounded more like a dying rabbit than a battery filled stuffed bunny, but I kept going. Last night, as I write this, a CNN reporter called me and asked for some help. They handed out Sackcloth Penance Patches in my parish this morning, four new survivors have contacted me in the last few weeks because of my blogs on the Penance Patches. Three new supporters have also come forward. It feels as though all that hard work is finally getting me somewhere. Is there an Energizer Bunny commercial on You Tube?
Contact me at compassion500@gmail.com and share your ideas with me.
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