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	Time to Let Go of Revenge, Denial, and Cynicism Healing and Spirituality December 28, 2009 http://jjromo.wordpress.com/ Social religion is perfected when private religion is purified. The body becomes stronger as its members become healthier. The whole church of God gains when the members that compose it begin to seek a better and higher life. (A.W Tozer, "The Pursuit of God") Since spring, 2009, I have led gatherings for Survivors of Religious Authority Sexual Abuse and supporters. The goal was to help participants to reconcile their different experiences and understandings, as well as to imagine next steps in transforming the religious environments that have allowed (knowingly or unknowingly) religious authority sexual abuse. The survivor-supporter dialogues were born after the turmoil of the class action 'settlements' with southern California Catholic diocese, in the void of support meetings for survivors or supporters. A recent Associated Press article made it clear that survivors of clergy sexual abuse are not healed by monetary settlements. The law suits may have been a non-violent way of confronting the collective abusers as well as part of a justice making process. However, they do not lead to redemption in and of themselves. I initially reached out to survivors who had been identified at some point with the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) throughout southern California. The first two meetings took place in a retreat center north of Los Angeles, a spacious and secluded setting that I believed would provide privacy for participants outside of a regular church setting. The first gathering attracted a handful of supporters. The second gathering attracted two survivors. I imagined that either the retreat center itself or the remoteness of it was too much of an obstacle for participants to join. We moved the third gathering to the Center for Spiritual Development in Orange County, with the idea that it would be more central. I thought that the third seminar would attract many participants, as it was more accessible to people south of Los Angeles, and was a panel discussion that included William Lobdell, author of "Losing My Religion." The small turnout led to the site of the current seminar series, 'Survivors and Supporters: Dialogues for Change.' On September 12, we held the first of four seminars. The first seminar was for survivors and survivor supporters who wished to understand the contexts and/ or stages of recovery from religious authority sexual abuse. I have posted a few YouTube video clips on this Blog for you to get a sample of that day's content. James Hillman, noted Jungian psychologist and theologian writes about betrayal in his book, A Blue Fire. Hillman identifies five different choices that I believe survivors of abuse as well as non abused bystanders often make after betrayal. These initial choices are understandable following sexual abuse, and yet they offer no life, no movement, or hope for healing. They are, in themselves, sterile choices or responses we make in an attempt to protect ourselves, hoping to prevent future betrayals. I know what they feel like. They are: revenge, denial, cynicism, self-betrayal, and paranoia. Do they sound familiar to you? That's one of the reasons I wrote my workbook, Healing the Sexually Abused Heart: A Workbook for Survivors, Thrivers, and Supporters, which will be available to the public in about a month. In it, I outline stages of healing or development for survivors and supporters who have been betrayed through religious authority sexual abuse. I think it can help people who want to move beyond their sterile choices and soul death. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may be substance abusers or manifest other addictive behaviors as ways to avoid their here and now experiences of anger, anxiety, shame or depression. It is with this unstable psyche that we live on the edge, whether physically or emotionally. In other words, survivors often live in the moment, although not in the present. Living in the here and then, in the there and now, or in the there and then are all ways to negatively impact our relationships with ourselves and others. Living in the here and now (or staying 'in our bodies') at the time of our abuse was practically impossible. Now that you have some distance from the actual abuse, what do you have to gain by living in the here and now (or staying 'in your body')? I think that today is a good day to get healthier and become more whole from the experience of sexual abuse. I'm imagining that this is a good time for survivors of sexual abuse to roll up our sleeves and begin to work on our healing. So, if there's anyone in the Los Angeles area who might like to work with other survivors and supporters to learn about the workbook, you're invited. In fact, I'll give a free workbook to the first 20 people who confirm their participation. The free workshop is in Long Beach, January 23, 2-5 p.m.. I wonder about survivors and supporters. If there was a magic button that would remove toxic waste, end soul death and help you to be happy, you would push the button, wouldn't you? If yes, I look forward to working with you. If no, maybe it means that you don't feel worthy or feel shame over your own behavior or lack of action, as if you don't deserve to feel better. Maybe it means you have an idea that to holding onto these feelings or ideas keeps you vigilant and helps you in your day to day life to prevent future abuse. Or maybe it's because you just don't want to do the work and invest the time and courage to change sterile choices. Maybe these are things that should really be taken up with a therapist or a trained professional. In fact, if you're not working with a therapist, it may not be super helpful to come to this kind of gathering. I am not a therapist and don't do therapy. But I have been through soul death related to clergy sexual abuse and am happy (and I know of others). And I am a really good teacher and I do know a lot about working with groups. And I've worked with survivors and supporters and have seen beautiful learning and empowerment when people are willing to show up and join in a process. I think that the end of this year seems to be a good time to let go of unhelpful old patterns, assumptions, and behaviors and think about getting healthy. I'm sure that today's a good day to be less revengeful, cynical or paranoid. Today is absolutely a good day to end abuse, beginning with ourselves. Take care, wherever you are. Contact me if you'd like to join us on January 23 and receive a free workbook. E-mail: jr@JaimeRomo.com
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