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	'When I Was a Teenager at Summer Camp, a Priest Tried to Rape Me' Irish Independent December 27, 2009 http://www.independent.ie/opinion/analysis/when-i-was-a-teenager-at-summer-camp-a-priest-tried-to-rape-me-1990079.html Ireland -- BLESS me Father, for you have sinned. It is over 30 years since you tried to rape me, and, sadly, like many of your brothers, you got away with it -- thanks to the Catholic Church, which kindly covered up for its priests, not bothering how the victims felt or cared about what they went through. I know you are now back in Ireland, having retired from your post of parish priest abroad. I hope you will read this and understand how awful your actions were for me back then, and the impact they had on me for years to follow. I had an opportunity recently on Pat Kenny's programme Frontline to reveal that, when I was a teenager at a summer camp, a priest tried to rape me. Up until that moment I had only ever told one of my sisters of this particular event -- an event which left its deep scars on me, creating an unnecessary heavy burden of guilt and shame which did not actually belong to me. Although I did have an opportunity to publicly reveal that I'd had such an experience, I did not get the chance to say that the Church must have known something about the priest in question's behaviour -- because a year or two after he entered my bedroom at the summer camp and got into bed with me, he was sent overseas under a cloud of suspicion and rumours. I was frightened when I found myself in this situation with a "man of the cloth" -- who I knew, and who my father looked up to (my mum had died suddenly three years previous). I was devastated. I had no idea what to do that night. I can still see the light, soft pink cotton nightdress that I was wearing at the time. It had been a present to me from some of my friends and I was delighted with it. However, now I hated everything about it. I never wanted to see it again (and I swore if I got out of this situation I would get rid of it) as beads of sweat poured down my back and soaked into the light cotton material. It was the first time I'd ever had a man in my bedroom, and what an initiation. I had never dreamed that this was how my first night with a man would be. I was devastated, and hundreds of thoughts rushed through my mind as he pushed his lips against mine and pushed his tongue down my throat, at the same time begging me to let him. . . Having been brought up a strict Catholic in an all-girls private convent school run by nuns, this went against everything I had been taught. The fear of God literally consumed me. I had flashbacks of kneeling in a confession box and telling the priest (not this one, thankfully) my sins. It was nauseating and bewildering, as I did my utmost to fend Father X off. He tried to comfort me, and to tell me he only wanted to kiss me. He kept telling me how he liked me. Most people who are raped know the abuser. I know all too well what that means. My young and innocent mind was totally confused. I remembered how my mother had not been allowed to attend the baptism of my younger brother as the Catholic Church considered women to be dirty and unclean, having given birth to a child. My mother had to be "churched" by a priest, cleansed after she gave birth. What if I was to get pregnant by Father X? How dirty would that make me? Looking back now, I left my body in an effort not to feel what he was doing to me, but I did (and I don't know how) manage to talk him out of it. After an hour or so he left. I didn't close an eye after that as there was no lock on the door and I was afraid he would return. I got up at six the next morning and caught the first bus back to Dublin. I met my sister as I got to our home, and she knew there was something not quite right as I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. I told her what had happened, but I kept it brief as I could not tell her exactly what Father X had done. My sister was furious and wanted to go and confront the priest, but I begged her not to as I knew that our father would be furious with me and would never believe me over the priest -- who was seen as someone held in high esteem. My sister very reluctantly agreed to keep quiet for me and I, looking back sadly, was really grateful to her for doing so. However, if I did complain I have no doubt no-one would have believed me. Amazingly, the very same priest contacted me when I was in my early 20s and asked me to meet up with him when he returned to Ireland on holidays, and I did. He apologised to me for what he had done and asked for forgiveness, which I gave him. However, it was only as time passed and I matured that I realised how I had once again been manipulated and mesmerised by fear and power and control. I wanted to tell him how frightened and scared I was and how angry I was with him for what he had done to me, but I could not. I just pandered to his manipulation and meekly agreed to forgive him. It is all part of the process of abuse, especially sexual abuse. The victim all too often believes that he or she is the guilty one, which of course is not true. On foot of my personal experience -- and the recent Murphy report, recording the horrific facts that have been covered up by the Church concerning the sexual abuse of children while in their trusted care -- this is unacceptable. If Pope Benedict is serious about his shock, shame and horror at the findings of this report -- including the irreversible damage done to children (both emotional and physical) and the unforgivable cover-ups by those put in charge within the Church in Ireland -- the most honest and sincere thing at this time for Pope Benedict to do, I believe, is take strong action (words are useless unless followed by positive action) and call for a radical change within the structure and dogmas of the Catholic Church. If he genuinely believes in the teachings of Christ, now is his opportunity to take up the sword of truth and help cut down all the pomp, ceremony and double standards within the Church hierarchy. He should dare to step out and initiate a path of truth and genuine leadership which can change the future of the Church and bring it into the 21st Century. Change is possible. After all, it was only during the Council of Trent circa 1554 that the same Church decided that women have souls -- and that got in by just one vote, but it did make a big change. Before anyone thinks I am only using my situation to be angry with the Church, I would like to point out that I was the first woman allowed to do a reading in a Catholic Church in Ireland back in the early Seventies -- clearly another catalyst for change. Conversely, if Pope Benedict chooses not to take this opportunity, the Church will continue to be male-dominated, and the largest cult in the world based entirely on power, money and control.
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