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	You Cant Love a Child Too Much Garden of Roses December 13, 2009 http://web.me.com/virginiajones/Compsassionate_Gathering/The_Garden_of_Roses/Entries/2009/12/13_You_Can%E2%80%99t_Love_a_Child_Too_Much.html The Woman clearly felt frantic about the well-being of the children in her life. She Googled "child sex abuse Oregon," or something similar, and saw the media stories about the Walk Across Oregon to Stop Child Abuse. She saw my e-mail address and e-mailed me, pleading for help. She didn't tell me whether the children were grandchildren or simply the children of a friend – just that the children were being abused – emotionally, physically, and sexually. She wanted to know what she could do to stop the abuse. This is an edited version of the e-mail I sent to her in response. Boy did God hand you a big job. Child Protective Services is so overwhelmed. They get so many reports, and they so have so few social workers, they can't always figure out which situations are so dangerous that they have to pursue them right now. There are children with hurt bottoms and then there are the children with hurt bottoms who will end up dead a year or two from now -- murdered by mom or stepdad or mom's boyfriend or stepmom. There are so many cases that rise to obvious signs of criminal behavior only once every year or two, so that social workers know for sure that the children need to be removed from the home right this moment. In the meantime the children suffer, and there is so little you can do. Last Wednesday night a fifteen-year-old girl ended up dead – apparently abused or tortured to death by her mother and stepfather. She lived in Eugene, Oregon. Her name was Jeanette Maples. A year or so ago her mother took her out of public school and started to home school her. There is nothing wrong with home schooling. I home schooled my son, who has Asperger's Syndrome, until he was 9. But abusers feel entitled to abuse and will blame everyone else for the problems they face as a consequence of their own actions. They will isolate the children and try to control them and their contacts with other people. Tragically, Jeanette Maples' step grandmother made several calls to state child abuse hotlines. It wasn't enough. Trying to help children who are being abused is essential. It may also be really difficult. I have some suggestions to help you cope with this situation. First, be discreet. You are going to have observe the lives of these children like a hawk and do everything you can to support them, but don't let the abuser or anyone close to the abuser know what you are doing -- you will sabotage your efforts. You can't even let the children know what you are doing in case they innocently tell the abuser. Second, always be diplomatic. Even if you are frantic, even if you are at your wits end trying to get someone to do something to help the children, you must be diplomatic. For example, the abuser will lie and blame you or others. You can't say, "He's lying!" You have to say, "I remember things differently. This is how I remember things." Then you tell your story, sticking to the facts and to how much you love the children and don't want see them hurting anymore. Say you want to help the family heal wounds and get better, which truthfully is what you want although it is often impossible. Speak from your heart out of your love for the children. Don't speak from your anger at the abuser. And always be polite and respectful to the people from Child Protective Services. If you get angry or hysterical, people will think you are the problem. That is the irony of our human existence. When we try to protect a child and discover that there are so many roadblocks and the abuser lies over and over, our normal human tendency is to get angry and hysterical. But when we get angry and hysterical, the people listening to us feel stressed and shut down and stop listening to our story. Third, be persistent. Report the abuse to all mandatory reporters in the child's life. A mandatory reporter is someone who is required by law to report signs of child abuse. Go to the school and tell the teachers, school counselors, school psychologists, and principals -- all the professionals at the school are mandatory reporters. They will start to look for signs of child abuse and child sexual abuse. Doctors and nurses are mandatory reporters too as are therapists and psychologists. Tell the children's doctor about the abuse and if you don't have access to their doctor, tell your own doctor or nurse practitioner. If the family attends church, tell your story to whoever is in charge of children's program or religious education for children. The clergy abuse issue has exploded in the last several years. Some churches are in denial, but others have developed child abuse recognition and reporting programs in response. These church people may be very sincere and very helpful. For example, during the 2008 Walk Across Oregon, I met a Catholic Religious Education Director and Safe Environment instructor who was a former policeman. While working as a policeman he was called to many child abuse cases. His experiences made him passionate about making sure that no children were ever abused in any way ever again. You didn't say where you lived, but I am guessing you live in Oregon because you wrote about seeing articles about the Walk Across Oregon. You can go to the following Oregon based websites for more information on Oregon resources: http:www.childabuseintervention.org/centers.cfm or simply type into a search engine "Oregon Network of Child Abuse Intervention" You can also get help from domestic violence resources. Type into a search engine, such as Google, "Oregon Department of Justice Domestic Violence." This should lead you to a website with a long list of local domestic violence resources. Or simply call the Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence at 1-503-365-9644. You can also call your local police agency to report the abuse but don't make a 911 call in a non-emergency. Call their non-emergency line and ask them for help knowing what to do. If you live outside Oregon, call these numbers: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1-303-839-1852 National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Rape and Incest National Network at 1-800-656-HOPE or www.rainn.org. If you live in the metropolitan Portland Area, try these resources: Cares NW 503-276-9000 (This is the child abuse agency for Multnomah and Washington Counties here in Oregon.) Child Welfare Hotline 503-731-3100 Fourth, don't try to go it alone. Get therapy for both yourself and the children if you can. If therapy isn't available or even if therapy is available, go to a support group. Many of the resources listed above can direct you to support groups in your area. If you live near Portland, Oregon, my organization, Compassionate Gathering, offers both private mentoring and group support. Fifth, write down everything that happens. Keep anything that can bolster your story -- photos, drawings made by the child, schoolwork, even report cards and tests. The child may write about the abuse. Tests and grades can show that a child under stress is not living up to their potential. If you have a computer write everything that happens on the computer. If you don't have a computer, buy a notebook and write everything in the notebook. You may be in this for the long haul. Sixth, do everything you can to stay in the children's lives. You may not be able to end the their suffering as fast as you want to, but if the children know they have a safe adult they can trust, they will cope with life much better as they grow up. Give those children your time and your love. Read to them. Go for walks with them. Have tea parties and picnics and toast marshmallows over a fire with them. Give them as many happy memories as you can. Each child is a precious gift from God. Enjoy your time with them. And listen to their woes as well as their joys. Just listen and then listen some more. Hold them in your arms and tell them that they are beautiful and wonderful and smart and brave and strong. Why? Because broken bones will heal in a few months, but broken minds take a lifetime to heal. The worst form of abuse is actually emotional abuse. Sexual abuse and physical abuse are always accompanied by emotional abuse, but many children are emotionally abused by parents and other adults and no one ever does anything to help them because, unless the abuse is extreme, it is legal to emotionally abuse children. By caring, by being loving and compassionate and present, you give those children a life raft to swim to while they are drowning. You cannot love a child too much. -- Virginia P.S. Take care of yourself and treasure yourself too. You are a gift from God to these children. Epilogue: Supporting survivors of abuse and their supporters is the most uplifting thing I've ever done other than enjoying the journey of raising my own children. The Woman wrote back to me, "Yes, I am at emotional wits end, yet your email has created a haven to rest my hope with God and do something. I will reread, take to heart, DO, and memorize what you have to say…..You threw me a life-jacket in this sea of 'want-to-stop-abuse-now,' and protect them. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND ANSWERS, BOTH IS (sic) OF GREAT HELP!!"
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