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	What's a Safe Church? Healing and Spirituality December 7, 2009 http://jjromo.wordpress.com/ About three years ago, a registered sex offender showed up at my church and asked how he could attend and become a member. Before anyone could figure out what was going on, a non-church member had called the media and all hell broke loose. As in any church, many of our members had been sexually abused as children. The numbers are 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused before their 18th birthday. 30% of the abusers tend to be family members and 60% of the abusers are known and presumably trusted by family members. Some people's memories of abuse were triggered and others' fears about "stranger danger" became activated. In short, all hell broke loose. Not much else happened for the next several months in which we went through an uncomfortable process of developing a Safe Church Policy and working with the individual to come to terms of participation. I can understand how we as Pilgrim UCC forgot to celebrate, let alone recognize, our one year anniversary of our Safe Church Policy, following the yearlong turbulent process of discerning what it means to be open and affirming and safe. The process to get to that was difficult and upsetting. I believe that spiritually mature churches or individuals might have more creative responses to fear than: Fight/ flight. That's a normal, deeply ingrained survival response. But we, without a plan or without having gone through a process to understand our own unaddressed trauma and needs, also reacted in a fight-flight mode. A more informed church might have an understanding that most abuse happens by familiar and trusted people. A more responsible response would not be caught up in a wild fear of "stranger danger", the big bad Wolf, the aggressor from the outside who comes in to scatter the innocent flock. As in my own case of abuse, lots of good people in the church didn't question what they saw, or they saw what they believed, and that is that people in church are always safe just because. I think that they, like a lot of us, see what we believe and don't believe what we see. What my experience at Pilgrim and as a consultant with the Faith Trust Institute tells me is that we're not 'safe' because we have a Safe Church Policy somewhere because we got scared, or because we were upset because some of our own past experiences were stirred up. We're not safe because we've talked about it. We're not safe because we've made a plan. We're safe because despite any fear of moving forward into the unknown, we know that God is in us and among us. We're safe and able to respond to abuse that has happened or to at-risk behaviors because we're still struggling what it means to be open and affirming and safe, and what it means to have a Safe Church policy. I believe that there is some evidence that Pilgrim UCC is learning and continuing to learn. I have led several "Safeguarding God's Children" seminars for parents and volunteers. We now welcome other congregational teams to participate in these conversations that help all of us to better believe what we see and co-create a living, protective story. At Pilgrim, we do have a policy which is being implemented through hiring practices and the regular questioning of those who take up roles of authority in committees or who work on behalf of the church. We do have practices that are in place related to working with children. We have a new Ministry Team related to domestic violence.Those are all good signs of a responsible growing body, a body or church that has the ability to believe what we see and respond, and not just see what we believe. I would say that we're safer to the degree that we're a learning community. So as a learning community, what questions might we ask to help us to grow into our next iteration of a safe church? Questions like, "How can we create safe spaces in this church for everyone?" That means not just those who may currently be vulnerable to sexual abuse, but those who carry that experience and who need let it go, those who need have their spirit come back from the valley of death. It might mean that we ask ourselves, "How we can live and work in his church in a way that does no harm?" or "How do we, as a community, take greater part in the safety and healthy environment in his church and with other churches?" What does it mean? Identifying as a survivor indicates to oneself and to others that we are now conscious of the abuse and are no longer willing to live as victims of child sexual abuse. Identifying as a survivor supporter means that we are no longer willing to allow anyone to experience sexual abuse. While our literal victimization happened and continues to impact us, we are no longer victims. Therefore the terminology we use to describe ourselves is significant. Recovery from child sexual abuse involves a shift from denial to awareness, and from awareness to taking action to help ourselves, and from taking action to help ourselves to taking action to helping someone else or ending child abuse. Survivors take action in order to move beyond being victimized. It may be badly done, so to speak, but it's a step away from being voiceless, powerless worthless, and hopeless and towards voice, agency, self-worth, and hope. Sometimes, such an action is met with support from others, and the step is liberating. Maybe you did not create the abuse or the dynamics that led to and perpetuated abuse, particularly by a religious authority. It may have served us somehow in the past to repress the memories or act as if the abuse or the dynamics that led to the abuse did not exist. However it is time for us to practice a new set of understandings, beliefs and behaviors. Understand how you contribute to your own contemporary victimization. Believe that you are worth having a healthier and more balanced lifestyle. Act to create real safe churches. I'm Dr. Jaime J. Romo, a member of Pilgrim UCC, in Carlsbad. I'm in the discernment process of Commissioned Ministry for Healing and Healthy Environments. http://www.JaimeRomo.com
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