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	Betrayal: Door to Death or Key to Life? By Billie Mazzei, M. Min Garden of Roses November 10, 2009 http://web.me.com/virginiajones/Compsassionate_Gathering/The_Garden_of_Roses/Entries/2009/11/5_Betrayal__Door_to_Death_or_Key_to_LifebyBillie_Mazzei%2C_M.Min..html Billie Mazzei is a clergy abuse survivor who studied with Marie Fortune of the Faith Trust Institute. She offers spiritual direction and small groups for clergy abuse survivors. She enjoys watching survivors move from victim to survivor to thriver. Billie’s work on helping survivors heal inspired her to write this article. --Virginia Your best friend tells everyone the secret you shared with her. Your co-worker takes credit for your fabulous idea. Your precious child leaves the church and seems to be doing everything against the values you teach and live. Your spouse is unfaithful. Public figures, politicians, business people, and even clergy act in ways that shock and dismay. So what’s the deal? It is called betrayal. It is a core theme in our faith and a call to grow up. When it happens to us it feels like the worst possible thing. Betrayal breaks trust and puts us at risk emotionally and spiritually. Trust is fundamental in our relationship with God and with one another. When trust is broken some people heal and move on; others seem to stay stuck and cannot move. As a person who listens to others as a spiritual director I hear many betrayal stories. Some people speak of their body betraying them in illness, others of partners, employers, communities or children who have broken trust. Betrayal seems to be everywhere. Is it paranoia or something else? If we read the Bible as our story and God's story is can be a guiding light. In times of confusion, we can often sort things out by consulting God’s word. If we let major biblical characters meander though our minds we may notice that many of them were either betrayers or were betrayed. Joseph, Sarah, Judas, the Samaritan woman, Peter, and Jesus, to name just a few. There are hints for us in scripture when we look at how people responded as betrayed or as betrayer. Joseph gets justice. Peter recovers. Judas hangs himself. Jesus is crucified…and is raised from the dead. James Hillman, noted Jungian psychologist and theologian writes on betrayal in his book, A Blue Fire. He believes that we need betrayal as a means of growing up, maturing. He names what he calls “sterile choices” we tend to make when we’ve been betrayed and this is where the growing up comes in. It is his contention that betrayal is to trust what doubt is to faith. That is, until as adults we have questioned our faith, it is not truly our own. Just as the faith we have as children needs to be chosen as adults if it is to be true and active, so it is also with trust. Our primal trust needs to be broken so that we can choose to trust. All the scripture characters made choices after betrayal. Some choices led to life, others didn’t. Hillman names five different choices that people often make after betrayal. These are choices that offer no life, no movement, no hope for healing, and are, therefore, sterile choices. They aren't stages we moves through but responses we make in an attempt to protect ourselves, hoping to prevent future betrayals. When we choose one or more of these responses we don't move toward healing and we stay in childish, immature positions. Unfortunately, to be human includes being both betrayer and betrayed. We can't escape betrayal. It is the way we learn to trust in an adult manner. How we choose to respond makes the difference in how we heal and grow up and mature. This is what I’ve distilled about betrayal, trust and growing up spiritually. The sterile choices are listed in bold print. Each sterile choice has a flip side that holds growth and the possibilities of healing. Revenge is a choice. It can be an almost instant response to the breaking of trust in betrayal. It tries to "even the power.” We say, “I want to get even.” Immediate revenge is judged in our society as less culpable than a revenge that is thought out and planned. We punish crimes of passion less severely than premeditated crimes. Revenge is a back handed way of seeking justice and empowering the self who has suffered a dis-empowerment. Revenge satisfies only in the imagination. Seeking justice is a good thing, but twisted, it takes on a life of its own and robs us of possible, real justice. Revenge, rightly ordered, can be seen as justice making. For example, if you were betrayed though abuse and decide to sue your abuser, you are confronting a wrong that was done to you. You are using a legal, non-violent way. You can use the proceeds for therapy, or to help other abuse victims. In this way you can begin to heal. Wasting life energy plotting ways to "get even" leads nowhere. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." Romans 12:19 Denial has its place for a time after one has been betrayed. It gives us space to begin the healing process. We numb out because facing the pain of betrayal is overwhelming. Denial can be a healthy response to trauma, but only on a short-term basis. After a betrayal, you may tell yourself "I'm OK," which may be helpful in keeping you in touch with your essential goodness. Of course, you know that in another sense you are not at all OK. When there continues to be no acknowledgement of the damage done or the damage is discounted, denial is a sterile choice. We do this to ourselves when we say, "He didn't hurt me," or "She didn't really mean it," or when someone else says, "Can't you just forget it and get on with your life? It was a long time ago." Any words or actions that try to diminish, discount or negate the damage of betrayal can keep us stuck. Acknowledging the pain and feeling it helps us to move on. “Lead me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” Ps 25:5 Cynicism is Hillman's third choice that guarantees we won't grow. When we are cynical we point our finger at "them". We demonize a person or a whole group of people. We stand outside any responsibility and give away our own power and responsibility. If "they" are all "like that" then I have no power to change and no responsibility. For example, if I experience a breach of trust by government or an individual politician, I can choose to label all politicians as corrupt. I may decide that I won't vote because it really doesn't make any difference. I give up my responsibility and actually help to make my evaluation a reality. Spiritual director and counselor, Barbara Gibson says, "Cynicism is the last resort of the disappointed idealist." Reality tells us that some humans act irresponsibly no matter what their position in life. I cannot control the choices that others make, but I can make choices myself for life and wholeness. I can use my awareness of cynicism as a cue to remind myself that I have been robbed of my innocence and optimism. Then I can decide whether or not I want the betrayer to have that power over me. “He has showed you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8 Self-betrayal as a response is one of the saddest of sterile choices. It can be played out like this---"I made an error in judgement that resulted in this betrayal. I must not be able to make good judgements or decisions. I can't trust myself. Therefore, I will dumb down, tune out, be less than I can be so I won't make that mistake again." Women respond most often with this kind of self-betrayal. For men, self-betrayal might come in the form of issues around control and bullying. “I was betrayed once, but I’ll NEVER put myself in that position again.” It is another attempt to prevent further betrayal. Both men and women can use either choice or a combination as self-betrayal plays out. It diminishes self and keeps us bound. It shuts out a developing self and effectively shuts out others. Self-betrayal is an opportunity for self-forgiveness. They go together. In some cases, when we see how easy it is to betray myself, it may be easier to understand how another could do that to me. It is also a reminder that the betrayer always, without exception, has betrayed him/herself. The betrayer has violated her/his own truest and best sense of right and wrong. We can claim our power and God’s child and face life with courage.“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 The last of the sterile choices listed by Hillman is what he calls paranoia. It isn't a clinical paranoia but a way of putting up so many conditions or stipulations on a relationship that no human being can ever meet them. It is an attempt to protect ourselves against further hurt. Unfortunately, carried too long and too tightly, it is certain that we will never have another intimate relationship. No one on earth can be that perfect. It's natural to be suspicious after a betrayal, and to wonder who and what we can trust. Fears may be used as a way to explore how to protect ourselves while staying in touch with the realities of the situation. The reality is that in human relationships there is always the potential for betrayal. We can learn from betrayal and not give our trust naively. ”Test everything; retain what is good. Refrain from every kind of evil. May the God of peace himself make you perfectly holy and may you entirely, spirit, soul, and body, be preserved blameless for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will also accomplish it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:21-24 It is the awareness that we are always vulnerable to others that helps us into the paradox of leaving our childish trust behind and moving with knowledge into adult relationships. We know we can expect, careful as we may be, that if we are in relationship with humans beings, we will both betray and be betrayed. Often neither party has the intent to betray the other, but trust may broken on either side. If we betray someone else we may not even be aware of the pain we’ve caused. In our hurt it is hard to see the difference between actions which are willful and those which happen through ignorance, misunderstanding or a wounded heart. Whatever the source of the betrayal, once we are aware of our choices, we can choose holy and life giving responses. There is a final choice when betrayal happens. The life giving oil that makes adult relationships possible is forgiveness. In Christian churches, forgiveness can be a loaded word. It carries with it guilt, shame, freedom and power. It is the key to being able to trust. Forgiveness doesn't often come easily. We can rush people to forgive in situations where they shouldn't be the ones forgiving or where it is much too soon to expect them to forgive. When we forgive, the energy of the experience is redirected and a bond of resentment, bitterness and shame is broken. We can confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness does not depend on a response from the other. Reconciliation does; it takes two. Reconciliation involves restoring in some way that which has been broken. To be reconciled means that both parties are willing to continue in a relationship. Both have some responsibility in tending the relationship. In most cases reconciliation is what we long for. "Why can't we just go back to the way things were?" We want to go back to our childlike trust and expectations. We can't go back; and forgiveness without reconciliation is more often the outcome. Often the betrayer has no understanding of what pain has been caused and sees no reason to seek either forgiveness or reconciliation. We can still continue the forgiveness and healing on our own. Our healing does not depend on the betrayer understanding the damage. Clergy sexual abuse is a crushing form of betrayal and in that context we can learn more about forgiveness. Reverend Marie Fortune in her ground-breaking work, Is Nothing Sacred? helps people to understand the effects of clergy sexual abuse and healing. Reverend Fortune holds the position that there can be no healing without justice. However, many do not get justice. What are they to do? An article by Fred Keene entitled, “The Politics of Forgiveness: How the Christian Church Guilt-Trips Survivors” gives insight. In it Keene describes researching the concept of forgiveness in Jesus' time. He points out that it was always the one with the most power who did the forgiving and that Jesus’ community was a community of equals, very different from a community where one person holds all or most of the power. Forgiveness in a hierarchical system must either come from the top down or the power must be equalized if forgiveness is to be possible. He goes on to say that is why often it is on a father's deathbed that a child is able to forgive incest. The power is now equalized and the father no longer has power over the child. It seems to also be the reason that people who have been abused by clergy insist that the abuser's ordination be revoked so he/she will no longer be able to use the position of power to victimize others. Both Keene and Fortune declare the need to equalize the power so that forgiveness is possible, but they come at it from different angles. Keene's final observation is the most freeing for people trying to forgive. He notes that at his moment of death Jesus was his most human self. He does not say, "I forgive you, you know not what you do." What he says is, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34) He passes forgiveness up to the One with more power to forgive. On the cross, Jesus did not forgive, but gave that responsibility over to God, His Father. In circumstances when we feel unable to forgive, can we not do the same? When sterile choices tempt us, let the light of truth gently shine on what will truly empower. If revenge is poisoning life, how might we work for justice? If denial has gone on too long, what kind of support is needed to feel the full pain of the betrayal? If cynicism is removing all responsibility, how might we recognize and regain a position of action? If self-betrayal is crippling, what small steps might help us restore trust in ourselves? If relationships have grown rigid and rule-bound, how might we begin to trust the imperfect humans that we are? For some, just the awareness and naming of sterile choices is enough. For others a counselor, spiritual director or an understanding pastor may be necessary to shift life-long habits of choice. Trusting from a position of adult knowledge and experience is a decision. We can look to our faith for stories of others who made choices around betrayal and where those choices led them. We can be alert to the possibility of sterile choices following betrayal and make life-giving choices. We can look past the cross to the empty tomb and know that betrayal is not the end of the road, but only a marker on the way, not a door to death, but a key to life. Hillman, James A Blue Fire, New York, New York, Harper Perennial, 1991. Fortune, Reverend Marie Is Nothing Sacred? New York, New York, Pilgrim Press, 1999 Fred Keene The Politics of Forgiveness: How the Christian Church Guilt Trips Survivors, On the Issues, 1995 (full article can be found at factnet.org) Possible call outs "… betrayal is crucial if one is to grow up! " "Cynicism is the last resort of the disappointed idealist." Forgiveness in a hierarchical system must either come from the top down or the power must be equalized if forgiveness is to be possible. Bio In addition to her spiritual direction practice, Billie Mazzei leads retreats and tells stories throughout the country and locally. She lives on 4 acres of land in Olympia, Washington with assorted deer, rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, birds and occasionally one of her six grandchildren. She loves to garden, paint, read, travel, tell stories and laugh. You may contact her at Tellers2@aol.com. She loves to hear that man say, “You’ve got mail!”
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