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	My "Whitening" Christmas By Fr. Chris Heath Catholic in Orange December 14, 2007 http://catholic-orangemen.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-whitening-christmas.html On Tuesday, before I went to the monastery, I went to my dentist and had my teeth whitened. I figured since I had spent so much time and trouble to straighten my teeth, I ought to take the step to make them look as good as possible. I'm not vain; I didn't do this because I've been uncomfortably conscious of my less-than-white smile. I just thought it was worth the investment. I didn't realize how unpleasant the treatment would be. If I had known, I may not have done it. I had a plastic mouthpiece inserted to pull my cheeks away from my teeth, which looked awful in the mirror (imagine a corpse with the lips pulled back in a rictus grin). Then there was gauze placed around the mouthpiece, all around my mouth to protect my skin from the undefined dangers of the ultraviolet radiation. Then rolled-up gauze was inserted all around the inside of my mouth to protect my gums from the UV bombardment. Then a 25% solution of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) was painted on my teeth (this is the whitening agent--think "bleach" here). Then sunblock was painted around my mouth, and even on my nose, as extra protection from direct UV exposure. And finally, another piece of gauze was inserted behind the mouthpiece to protect my tongue and the soft tissues in my mouth so that UV light wouldn't burn my palate or uvula. So, after 20 minutes of preparation, let the radiation begin! A small machine was aimed at my mouth, directly onto the mouthpiece that's pulled my face open to expose all my teeth, and I have to sit still for three 15 minute treatments of UV irradiation. I know it's not like the ophthalmologist who says "don't blink now or you'll go blind," but it was still a bit unnerving. After all the protection placed about my head, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if I moved too much. It's a good thing I didn't have a cold or something. Breathing through my nose was all I could do: I couldn't swallow because of the position of my jaw from the mouthpiece. I was told not to move my mouth, because if the gauze covering my gums shifted it would be "unpleasant." The first 15 minute treatment was fine. No big deal. During the second treatment I started to realize I needed to go to the bathroom. Would they let me get out of the chair between treatments? Was I going to have to endure discomfort at both ends of my body? How long does 15 minutes take to pass, anyway? Yes, I was able to go to the bathroom, and I had to walk past several people looking like God-knows-what with all the equipment inserted, stuck to, or slathered on the whole front of my head. What a sight that must have been! Thank God I have no pictures of it. Each new treatment required a fresh coat of bleach painted on my teeth. I was warned before the treatment that "some people experience a slight discomfort" during the treatment. "Slight?" About halfway through the third treatment I began to feel my teeth cooking, like my head was in a microwave oven and the soft pulp in my teeth were beginning to sizzle. Or, it was like an ice cube was applied to one tooth and then another randomly. These sensations became nearly unbearable, and I called out to the dental assistant,"Uuuuuhn," (that's all I could say since my mouth was immobilized by a dental appliance that now felt like the size of the end of a bat in my mouth). He was in another room helping another patient, but he did come over and ask, "Is it starting to hurt?" "Uuuuuuhn," which he took to mean "Hell yes!" He looked at the clock and said, "Only one more minute and it will be over; you can handle one more minute, can't you?" "Uuuuhn," a resigned "I guess so." Finally the bell rang, the appliance of doom was pulled away from all my major sensory organs, and the layers of gauze, plastic, and caustic goo were removed. The whole inside of my mouth was dry, my jaw hurt from remaining in an open position for an hour, and my teeth were zinging my with little darts of hot and cold pain. Turns out a couple of spots on my gums had gotten zapped after all. "Sorry, Father," he said. "It's bound to happen," I answered with divine pardon. "The pain will pass in about a day," I was told; and it did. It was pretty uncomfortable as random spots in my mouth protested the violence I had done. I was also told I couldn't ingest anything that might stain my teeth for 48 hours, to give the treatment time to set or harden or finish its bleaching and burning process. So no coffee, no red wine, no red sauces, no cigars (which I only occasionally puff anyway). The lack of coffee caught up with me Thursday, which by then had been since Sunday I had any dosage of caffeine in my system. I had a wicked headache, the withdrawal symptom of Starbucks denial. So after all the pain and trouble, as of today, Friday, no one has noticed my bright new smile...
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