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	Finding Forgiveness Instead of Vengeance Lori Haigh Has a Change of Heart toward the Priest She Says 25 Years Ago Ignored Her Cries of Abuse by Another Clergyman. By Dana Parsons Los Angeles Times September 22, 2007 http://www.latimes.com/news/columnists/la-me-parsons22sep22,1,1471963. column?coll=la-news-columns&ctrack=6&cset=true It should have been a deliciously satisfying moment for Lori Haigh, a form of vindication a quarter-century in the making. It's not a stretch to say she had hoped for years for something just like it -- when an official of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Orange would break emotionally and show at least a flicker of the same kind of suffering she'd felt so many times after being molested by a priest when she was a teenager. Then, it seemingly happened. While giving a deposition in July in an unrelated sexual abuse case involving a former Mater Dei High School coach, Msgr. John Urell teared up and became distraught enough that the plaintiff's attorney asked if he needed a break. Urell took advantage of the offer and, clearly upset, was excused from further testimony that day. He has not resumed his testimony and, earlier this month, was sent to a Canadian medical treatment center for clergymen. Urell was no bit player in Haigh's life. He was one of two priests she sought out in 1982, she says, to reveal that another parish priest had molested her during her high school years. Expecting compassion from Urell, she says, he rebuked her and told her never to return to his church. So when she learned recently of Urell's distress in the deposition room, she says she would have expected to relish his discomfort. But to her amazement and that of her inner circle who have known of her 25-year struggle to deal with the molestation, something that feels like forgiveness has come to her. "I wish I could talk to him," she says. Where does that desire come from? "I have no idea," she says. But it was so strong that she sent an e-mail to Urell's attorney that began: "My heart goes out to John Urell. . . . I hope he can find the road to peace of mind." That's a far cry from what Haigh had been harboring in her heart all these years. "I had been waiting for this judgment day for him," she says by phone. "It's so strange how time can move both fast and slow." Her meeting with Urell happened in 1982, she says, but it also seems like yesterday. Urell was the kindly priest she thought would help when she told of being molested by another priest. Instead, she says, Urell "really put me through the wringer." The priest in question, John Lenihan, later admitted to sexual activity with young girls. Haigh alleged that Lenihan impregnated her and paid for her abortion. In 2002, she received a $1.2-million settlement from the Orange Diocese. "I saw Urell as the person who would be the most apt to listen to me," she says. "What he did was turn bright red. He was mad. He said, 'How many other people have you told this story to? How long have you been telling this story?' He intimidated and humiliated me and told me to leave and that he never wanted to see me in his church again." It's unclear whether Urell specifically has denied that he met with Haigh. Kathryn Freberg, who represented Haigh in the case that resulted in the settlement, said it was resolved before that question was answered. The other priest from whom Haigh says she sought counsel publicly denied that the two ever met. Haigh, now 43, says she isn't sure why she's been thinking of Urell since learning of his emotional distress. "For the past three days, he's been on my mind where I can't think of anything else," she said Thursday afternoon. "I wouldn't say I've been praying for him, but I'm empathetic to his situation. I see the church as a business, and he was a young guy trying to climb the ladder of the corporation that is the Catholic Church and was making a decision as to how this would perhaps affect him in the future." That is a pragmatic assessment. There's also the possibility her reasons are deeper, more spiritual. Part of her faith teaches that things happen so others can extend mercy and grace. Perhaps, she says, she's the one who is supposed to extend them to Urell. "It's the little itsy-bitsy flicker of faith I have left in my heart," she says, "that has ignited into accepting that, if this is some form of his confession, I am accepting it and forgiving him." Urell lost his composure during the deposition while discussing his duties as the diocesan official in charge of investigating allegations of abuse. Under questioning from attorney John Manly, Urell suggested the stress from the abuse cases had affected his memory. "I can't tell you what it is, but I just don't remember them anymore," he said. "I don't look to remember them. I try to forget them. It's a horrible -- I don't forget the people -- but a horrible chapter in their lives and mine, and so I don't remember a lot." In trying to understand her feelings toward Urell, Haigh concedes, "It's still coming out. But it's coming out in waves of compassion and not in 'I-told-you-so' or 'rot-in-hell' ways." She says she hadn't followed the more recent priest-abuse cases and learned of Urell's experience only when a reporter phoned her. She doesn't attend church anymore, but realizes that her feelings of empathy represent "a higher feeling" than anger or vengeance. "I really thought I'd be walking around the house saying, 'yes, yes, yes,' if and when something like this happened," she says. "I'm staring at myself in the mirror saying, 'My God, why don't you feel like that?' " Dana Parsons' column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.
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